As I share my journey please understand that I do not want to leave you with the impression that all preachers are bad. There are however those I dealt with and grew up with that were peddlers of emotion, excitement, and prophecies, snake oil salesmen. They seemed to be angry spiritual bullies. The services they conducted where high with emotion and loud music, the louder the better. Then don't forget, they were masters at taking up large sums of money in offerings. It seemed many times all they had to do was take a few givers by the hand and prophecy good things and the line to give would be long with people looking for a good word from the Lord. These were the conditions I was in and the church that was the first one for me to pastor. I was in no way ready for what I was about to be hit with.
It was not long after we moved and settled in to pastor, that we realized what we had gotten into. This church had been and still was controlled by a spiritual bully, who had great influence with many people and in the fellowship I was associated with. The church was in trouble in more ways than one. It was dying. We were struggling to make ends meet and the more I studied the more I found things I disagreed with. It became a battle within me and where could I turn for answers. I was finding that I did not agree with many teachings of those around me. I was finding out how much corruption and deceit was in the ministers I had been associated with and the effect of the bully who ran this church for many years. This began to open up my eyes to how much trouble I was in. I called it the church from hell.
Needless to say I got angry at God. How could He bring me to such a place? Is this the way He answered our prayers for ministry and change in our lives? I just knew at first this was the door He had opened to us, but now I had my doubts. The good thing is, God could handle me being angry at Him. The other good that happened in all that was going on, it was drawing me closer to God and I was praying more than ever and studying more. I needed answers to why I was there. Then that lead to even more struggles, let me explain.
While we were struggling with the church, barely making ends meet. We were fighting our own battles. Our marriage was struggling, and our oldest and only child at the time was not happy at all. One day at the age of twelve my wife found her in her room packing. When asked what she was doing she quickly informed my wife she was moving back home. Because of the anger that was in me I would not fight with my wife. As I mentioned in earlier post, that my father had a great temper and when my parents fought it was not pretty. I was so determined not to be like my father that I would walk out on my wife instead of fighting. The more I studied the more I battled, with those around me and myself. What I was learning was so contrary to much of what I was exposed to and learned in the past.
In the following scriptures we find what uncontrolled anger can do. The results it produces and warnings about anger and those who are always angry. At the time I did not know these scriptures but today they help me understand.
Pro_14:17 He who is soon angry acts foolishly, and a man of wicked plots is hated.
Pro_22:24 Make no friendship with an angry man; and you shall not go up with a man of fury,
Pro_25:23 The north wind drives away rain; so does an angry face a backbiting tongue.
Pro_29:22 An angry man stirs up fighting, and a furious man abounds in sin.
Ecc_7:9 Do not be hasty in your spirit to be angry; for anger rests in the bosom of fools.
I was turning more to God and He was doing doing a work in me. I will not lead you to think all was turning out well, or I handled everything right. I am not a complete innocent victim. When frustrated and angry, we do not always do the right things. Even turning to God my frustration and anger was at a high. I did not know what to do, who to turn to, or who to trust. I did go once to a leader in our fellowship and all he could say was "just hang in there it will work out". That was not a lot of help since it seemed like it was getting worse by the day.
The time came when I began to let go and let God do a work in me. One day a long time friend of ours whom I had ministered to for many years as he battled alcoholism, gave me a book to read. The book was titled "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents and Dysfunctional Families". He told me I needed to read it, and that it had helped him so much. At first I felt insulted, my parents did not drink at all, "it was a sin". We were Christians, how dare you say we were dysfunctional. Yes we had our issues, but our faith was in God and that was good enough. The other challenge was up to that point I can not remember ever reading a book since school. I was not a reader, I was a doer. I had not even read the bible completely yet. How was this book going to help me anyway?
My wife encouraged me to read it, strongly I might add. I began to read the book and could not put it down. It was like looking into a mirror at myself. I saw my family, my childhood actions and it scared me. For the first time my eyes were being opened to where I was and how much in pain and trouble I was in. The statistics their research was reveling was staggering and I realized I needed help. The trouble with what I realized was, who do I turn to for help. I was told all my life that those who trust in doctors did not have faith in God. Besides all I knew of counselors and psychiatrist, was they did not understand spiritual matters and would try to destroy my faith. I know better today, there are many Godly professionals that build faith and trust in God while digging in to ones troubled mind. At the time I felt all alone, no one to turn to.
Shortly after reading the book it came to a head in our family. One night after seeing that the book had affected me, she wanted answers. Like all the times before I was not going to reveal how I was feeling. After fighting and toiling with her most the night I gave in. I told her everything. I told her all I was dealing with in my life. I shared my hurts and pain, how I was sexually abused and its effects on my life. I exposed my demons and anger for the first time. I had held it all in all these years afraid that no one would love me if the knew the truth of what I have held in and fought all those years. We prayed together and she showed love and commitment to me. It was just the beginning of a life long journey of healing and change. We began to fight back together, yes I had a lot to learn about letting her into my heart for many years to come, but it was great start. Dealing with this started another set of problems, I could no longer tolerate my life like it was, and how do I deal with what was a head of me. How was I going to change and make changes around me. Little did I know the impact that had and the trouble I was about to face.
We will pick this up next week,
I was turning more to God and He was doing doing a work in me. I will not lead you to think all was turning out well, or I handled everything right. I am not a complete innocent victim. When frustrated and angry, we do not always do the right things. Even turning to God my frustration and anger was at a high. I did not know what to do, who to turn to, or who to trust. I did go once to a leader in our fellowship and all he could say was "just hang in there it will work out". That was not a lot of help since it seemed like it was getting worse by the day.
The time came when I began to let go and let God do a work in me. One day a long time friend of ours whom I had ministered to for many years as he battled alcoholism, gave me a book to read. The book was titled "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents and Dysfunctional Families". He told me I needed to read it, and that it had helped him so much. At first I felt insulted, my parents did not drink at all, "it was a sin". We were Christians, how dare you say we were dysfunctional. Yes we had our issues, but our faith was in God and that was good enough. The other challenge was up to that point I can not remember ever reading a book since school. I was not a reader, I was a doer. I had not even read the bible completely yet. How was this book going to help me anyway?
My wife encouraged me to read it, strongly I might add. I began to read the book and could not put it down. It was like looking into a mirror at myself. I saw my family, my childhood actions and it scared me. For the first time my eyes were being opened to where I was and how much in pain and trouble I was in. The statistics their research was reveling was staggering and I realized I needed help. The trouble with what I realized was, who do I turn to for help. I was told all my life that those who trust in doctors did not have faith in God. Besides all I knew of counselors and psychiatrist, was they did not understand spiritual matters and would try to destroy my faith. I know better today, there are many Godly professionals that build faith and trust in God while digging in to ones troubled mind. At the time I felt all alone, no one to turn to.
Shortly after reading the book it came to a head in our family. One night after seeing that the book had affected me, she wanted answers. Like all the times before I was not going to reveal how I was feeling. After fighting and toiling with her most the night I gave in. I told her everything. I told her all I was dealing with in my life. I shared my hurts and pain, how I was sexually abused and its effects on my life. I exposed my demons and anger for the first time. I had held it all in all these years afraid that no one would love me if the knew the truth of what I have held in and fought all those years. We prayed together and she showed love and commitment to me. It was just the beginning of a life long journey of healing and change. We began to fight back together, yes I had a lot to learn about letting her into my heart for many years to come, but it was great start. Dealing with this started another set of problems, I could no longer tolerate my life like it was, and how do I deal with what was a head of me. How was I going to change and make changes around me. Little did I know the impact that had and the trouble I was about to face.
We will pick this up next week,
No comments:
Post a Comment