Let The Healing Begin

Psa 41:4  I said, Jehovah, be merciful to me; heal my soul; for I have sinned against You. Psa 41:5  My enemies speak evil of me, saying, When will he die, and his name perish? Psa 41:6  And when he comes to see me, he speaks vanity; his heart gathers iniquity to itself; he goes out and speaks of it. Psa 41:7  All those hating me whisper against me; they plot evil against me. Psa 41:8  They say, A wicked thing is poured out on him, and he who lies down shall rise no more. Psa 41:9  Even a man, my friend, in whom I trusted, who ate of my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.

Psa 41:10  But You, O Jehovah, be merciful to me, and raise me up, so that I may repay them.

This was the beginning of me healing. At the time I really did not know what I needed, yet I needed something to change for me or in me. I want to be clear, in letting you know, that at that time I did not even recognize what all was wrong with me.  I know there are people that it seems like God does a quick miraculous work in them. For me it was slow and over many years, even to this day there are things I still have to let God work on in me. I am in no way complete or perfect, but I am so thankful every day I am not where I was those years ago.

Upon reading the 41 Psalm, I realized how much like David I was and how much pain I was carrying.  I cried out to God, “OH God it hurts so much”. This scripture became my foundation to build from so to speak. During all that was going on I felt God began to do a work in me. I purposely started to set myself a part from the ministries I grew up with. I wanted to be transparent and honest with all in my congregation. Believe me I messed up a lot starting out, and for the next several years. I made up my mind to minister from my heart as well with my knowledge. I often stumbled through things I was teaching because as I studied, I was finding it hard to believe many of the things I grew up believing.

After those first few years of pain and struggle trying to pastor that little church. I began to read the Bible for the first time completely through, not for sermons, but to get all I could from the Word of God. Then to hear God speak to me through is Word was a greater desire. I started to journal my journey as I prayed and read the Word. I started with the Gospels, because I wanted to know what Jesus my messiah had to say. For the first time I saw the Father.  Jesus spoke so plainly about who he was and His relationship with His Father, the God of the universe. I wanted to know God as my Father as well, I wanted to know who He was. I began to call Him Father and Daddy for the first time.  My eyes began to open to deeper truths.

Now by this time my mother and father had been divorced for a few years now, and my dad had already remarried. They had both come to live in our town at different times, and attended my church. One Sunday I had ministered from the 41 Psalm and shared my testimony of pain and what I had experienced as a youth. My mother was in that service and she was so offended that she moved back to Nebraska. She claimed I was making it all up.  My father at another time was offended and claimed I was blaming him for my struggles.  There were other issues with my father that he ended up trying to hurt me by writing a condemning letter to my church about me.

So during these years I went deeper in the Word, still looking for answers to the questions I had.  I drew closer to God and leaned on him for peace and comfort.  When ministering from Psa 41, I asked God how do we move on and what can we expect next? How do we get past those memories? I am human and my mind is filled with painful memories. I will never forget what came to me that day. 

It’s like when I was learning to ride a bike. I started out on a large bike because that is what we had with older sisters.  There were no training wheels, it was just get on it from a step and let it rip.  I fell down very often, scraping my elbows and knees. I received lots of cuts, scrapes and bruises, that turned into scars.  Then once I learned to ride, I would try tricks and stunts often ending in very painful injuries. Today I still may have a few scars here and there on my body.  It’s the pain that is hard to remember. You know why?  Because each time I fell and got hurt, I would get right back on that bike until I had success.  After I have had success, the bad memories of the pain and hurts did not matter. Today I ride a bike without fear, no bad memories, or pain to stop me. I knew God was speaking to me that if I would just move forward and find success in Him the pain would go away. The scars of my past may still be there but the pain is a faint memory.

During this time, I began to ask God to help me change. I realized I could not change anyone or anything I had no control over.  I was not even the person to change my wife.  I was the one in need of change, so my prayer was change me, Daddy.  Often changes were messy, I stumbled through not knowing how to deal with many of them.  I am sure those around me were often confused as to who was the real Peter. I think the first real big change was having another child.

Because of the difficulty my wife had with our first and only child at the time, I swore we would not have another child.  I could not bear to see my wife go through such hard labor as she did.   Our first daughter was so long in the birthing that she suffered brain damage and we have had to deal with a mentally disabled child. In many ways she was like any other child, but it showed in her motor skills, learning ability, and maturity.  To this day she basically has the mind of a young teen although she is 36.  So I had made up my mind we were not doing that again.  

Then one day after time in prayer, bible reading, asking Daddy to change me, He swept over me in a deep emotional way. I felt like a heavy burden was lifted off of me. I looked at my wife differently and all fear was removed.  I got up and met her at the bathroom door and kissed her. Honey it's OK, I want us to have another child. I think I blew her away, but after a few short years of trying we finally gave it to God. Then the month I decided to quit working full time to give more time to the church, my wife became pregnant.  This time it was a success, and we were blessed with a precious gift from God.  The name I gave here means just that. God’s precious gift. Believe me she has lived up to that name 20 years later, and she is still a joy.  God had truly blessed; we now have two wonderful daughters. What would it had been if I had let all the pain keep me from moving on.    

More next time:  

Passion and Anger

There seems to be a close connection to one’s passion and their anger.  Over the years I have noticed that when people are passionate about something they tend to get angry when defending or have high expectations. That is how it was and at times still is with me. All my life I have been very passionate about ministry and truths of God’s Word.  I can say that almost always; I have had high expectations. Even at times in my past I was legalistic in my religious worship. I have striven to be all in when it comes to serving God.

Then as a matter of fact, due to the way I grew up, being small and picked on. I have always been an aggressive competitor.  Everything I did in life was high energy, and all out. My expectations and demands on myself were always high, even when my size and capabilities did not match the task. Then because I was very passionate about what I was doing, I would get angry when facing failure, or see those around me give up or not deal with it in equal passion. I know today how I addressed things was wrong, but the passion was real. I could get the task done, but there would be body bags everywhere.

This is how I lived. Back in high school I went out for varsity football. Never mind the coach thought I was crazy, and I was only 4’11” tall, weighing barley 105 lbs. soaking wet.  I just knew and expected I could do well and make the team. I was destroyed by the big sized guys in drills, but I kept going. Needless to say I did not make first team, but I did make the team probably due to a smaller school.  I played safety, giving it my all when I did get on the field, mostly just on special teams. I got hurt often and played with a lot of passion and anger. The anger was with myself, when I would fail at a play, never mind the other guy I was tackling or defending against was twice my size. I loved the game but that was the only year I played.

This was what was deep within me that night I met with my accusers. As my wife and I went home, with a boat load of emotions, from pain to anger.  What do we do next we asked each other? Then what about all the people we have come to know and love. There were several families that started coming to that church while I was there. Many expressed that they would no longer attend.  What about my friend, who was the son of that man who was hell bent on destroying me? Do we pack up and leave, or do we stay?  There were things I knew about that man but I gave my word not to tell anyone, do I keep my word? I did keep my word. The answers came quickly.

First my friend took his father’s side, as I knew he would and told him so. As a matter of fact, he took over the church and caused me much pain in our community, often accusing me before other pastors. At one time stormed out of a meeting saying that I will never be welcomed in his church. This went on for ten years.

Then many of those families that left the church approached me to start a new church. After about a month and much prayer and consideration I said OK. Things fell into place, in another month we had a church building at a very low cost. We opened with our first service on Father’s Day, almost 3 months after I was kicked out of the other church. Then all hell broke loose on me.

Part of the group that started with me quickly left. Some went with another person who started their own church. Others got angry with me when I would not talk about the other church and what they were doing us wrong. I just wanted to move forward in ministry. Then my only musician besides me left. I was a base player, not a good lead instrument.

One day about a month later we had a very bad storm go through our town, even a little tornado damage. I received a call from the fellowship’s President. “I hear you started a church, I am very disappointed in you”.  I explained how I had prayed about it and just knew it was what needed to be done. I told him how many we started with and how everything fell into place. He backed down some and said he would be praying for me. Then my friend that was a pastor of a church in the next town south about 20 miles, called me. He was also a new board member of our fellowship. “It sure was a bad storm today, you guys alright” then he told me some mutual friends of ours were in town and wanted to meet for lunch, besides he had something to share with me.

When we met for lunch, he revealed that there was a  board meeting by phone for the fellowship and I was the subject.  There was a move to have my papers with the fellowship revoked, there just was not enough votes to do so. All the pain and anger was back again. By this time the passion for ministry was hard at work and it would have to be God to get me to close that church and move. This went on for the rest of the year. Then at our annual Thanksgiving conference it was all I could take.

Thanksgiving conference was a big annual meeting for our fellowship. I had lots of friends that I would only see at conferences. My wife and I almost decided not to go that year, but we ended up going. After we got there we quickly wished we had not gone.  Halve the leadership was against me, and I had lost my position in the fellowship.  A couple of leaders tried to bring charges once again against me.  One got in my face and boldly lied to me, to which I quickly called him out on it. My passion and anger was at full boil. I left that conference and fellowship that night.

After a year or two of struggle and pain. The church did not seem to be going anywhere, already faced down a split. Have a new musician and worship leader, split with his wife and caught in an affair with another lady in the church. With all that was in me, the passion, pain, and anger, I was feeling like a complete failure. Yet, because of my strong passion and high expectations, I was not about to give up. I was so down on myself, in all that had happened, how could I have let it happen. Like it was my fault for the actions of others. I was feeling, how could I have not seen through these people, where was the holy spirit to lead me. I felt I had hit bottom. Now that is when God could start to do a work in me. I came across a scripture that was my hearts cry. OH God it hurts so much.  

Psa 41:4  I said, Jehovah, be merciful to me; heal my soul; for I have sinned against You. Psa 41:5  My enemies speak evil of me, saying, When will he die, and his name perish? Psa 41:6  And when he comes to see me, he speaks vanity; his heart gathers iniquity to itself; he goes out and speaks of it. Psa 41:7  All those hating me whisper against me; they plot evil against me. Psa 41:8  They say, A wicked thing is poured out on him, and he who lies down shall rise no more. Psa 41:9  Even a man, my friend, in whom I trusted, who ate of my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.

Psa 41:10  But You, O Jehovah, be merciful to me, and raise me up, so that I may repay them.

To be continued