Going Through the storms

Time just seems to be fly by this summer.  Life faces many challenges but Father God helps us through them all. 

As I left off last week dealing with storms in life.  This last weekend I faced a thunder storm on a motorcycle.  Last weekend my wife and I decided to go see our oldest daughter in Houston on the motorcycle. It was hot and humid that morning as we started out. The sun was shining with a few clouds. We stopped for breakfast and as we set out again the sky did not look so good. The forecast had only mentioned a slight chance of scattered thunderstorms popping up later that day. As we drew closer to Houston it started to sprinkle. Before I could get off the Hwy it began to rain. We pulled into a gas station and waited it out. It was a fast moving bad storm with a lot of lightning.

Then on the way back we faced another storm. This one was worse than the first one.  I tried to get ahead of it, but as we turned unto another Hwy, before we could find shelter we were it. Believe me there is nothing like a hard down pour while riding a motorcycle.  It slammed into my face and body. In no time we were soaking wet. We found a station pulled over and waited as it lightning, and thundered. After a bit I looked on my phone saw a clearing ahead, yet the storm seemed to settle in over us. I told my wife we are already wet and just up ahead we will be in the clear. We headed back out and made it home with clear skies.

That ride reminds me of life. We all face storms in life, some fear them, others beg God to deliver them, then there are those who just weather them and push through.  I don’t know if it is me or at times it seems there is a whole generation of people who have been so sheltered that they just can’t seem to weather storms. I have seen parents that do everything to keep their children from facing disappointment or lose.  It just seems like we have safety everything to prevent injury or pain. I am not saying it is all bad, but let’s face it life is full of bumps, bruises, storms, ups and downs, and disappointments.  We all have survived many a tragedy, or stupid choice.  For anyone to try to tell us that life does not have to have any bad in it is deceptive. In many a storm in my life I have had those who would try to tell me, I must of sinned, or I lacked faith.

I am reminded of the story in Matthew 8.  Jesus told His followers to go to the other side of the sea.  While in the boat in the middle of the sea a storm arose.  The story tells us that the boat was taking on water and these men were experienced fishermen. They feared for their life, but Jesus was a sleep in the boat.  They woke him and asked him if he cared that they were going to sink.  Jesus got up and rebuked them for their lack of faith or we could say confidence in his presence and command to get to the other side. 

You see it was not that they faced a storm, or just did note have faith. They just did not truly realize who was with them, and what his command to get to the other side carried.  If they truly had understood that Jesus was the true messiah, the son of God. They would have had confidence in knowing that just having him in the boat was enough to get them through the storm no matter what.

This is what was beginning to happen to me in those days.  I was discovering Father God, knowing who he was. The one true God and his son the man Jesus the messiah.  I was hearing His voice and I longed each day to spend time with him.  As I was going through those storms in my life, I was beginning to face them with new confidence.  I was beginning to see myself as He saw me, and I began to pastor with passion and confidence.  Each morning I asked Him to change me, change my heart, change my thinking, make me the person He desired me to be.

Pro 10:22  The blessing of Jehovah itself makes rich, and He adds no sorrow with it.

:23  To work out evil devices is as laughter to a fool; so wisdom is to a man of understanding.

:24  What the wicked fears shall come upon him; but the desire of the righteous shall be granted.

:25  As the storm passes, so the wicked is no more; but the righteous is an everlasting foundation.

Heb_4:16  Therefore let us come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Psa 23:4  Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Next time, changes are coming

Storms of life

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post. For us in our part of Texas, life has been a little upside down.  We have had more than our share of rain and storms this last few weeks.  Starting with a couple of weeks ago a storm hit our neighborhood. It blew out the top of one of our trees and one large branch went through our roof. Then it blew out some of our fence. Needless to say we spent the rest of our weekend cleaning up our yard.  Then just this last week we were hit again, this time the next neighborhood over was hit with a tornado, with the whole area flooding from heavy rains.  Even the road in and out of my neighborhood was overtaken with flood waters from a creek. In many ways these storms and rain has infected those of us in our area in many ways.  So, before I knew it I have been busy and lost track of time.

With all that I have said about the storms we have experienced, I have been thinking and praying about my own life's  journey of healing  and the storms in life I have endured. I know we all have experienced hardships and storms in our lives. Some a little harder than others.  The other morning, I was praying and talking to Father, thinking about our storms. Then a question came to me in my thoughts.  Why do some endure more storms than others and why do some seem to survive while others completely loose it?  The scripture in Matt.5.45, the sun shines on the just as well as the unjust, and so does the rain. Simply putting it life happens to us all, some just seem to have more storms than others. Like people who live in Oklahoma seem to have more than their share of tornadoes, but statistics prove otherwise. 

A couple of words came to me, perspective and faith.  This has had a lot to do with me and my life growing up and finding healing.  If I have learned anything in life, it is storms will come. Let me give an example of what I want to say. In the aftermath of last week’s tornado, on our local news they showed a video of the storm by an individual that stood outside while the funnel cloud went by. He was a bystander that did something dangerous to capture an event. While almost right next door a house suffered great lose and damage.  The guy taking the video saw it as a thrill, while just doors down someone suffered lose.  Then later that night one of the kid’s friend came over from that neighborhood. He told us he was in his home I believe gaming, and did not even know a tornado had passed by his back yard until his father came home and told him.  He then looked out his back door and saw damage and fallen trees.

All three of these people, the video person, the person who lost, and the one who had not even known, all experienced the same storm.  They all had a different perspective and view of the same storm.  It was simply who they were.  How we perceive storms has a lot to do with how we deal with them.  Then there is the person like my daughter, that take our pets and herself into the middle bath tub.  I am not condemning any of these people, they all saw and experienced the same storm, but it’s effects on them was all different.  It is kind of like the glass halve empty or halve full. 

Dealing with my journey of healing, I have found that storms have come and gone and how I dealt with each one has had to do with how I perceived them and where I placed my faith.  There is where I wanted my God to do a work in me.  I was drawing closer to God my Father and began to seek for deeper truths and to know who I was.  I will not say that I have always had a good perception, or properly put my faith where it needed to be, squarely on my Father.  Then even still today I have to work at it and stay focused on the Father to have good perceptions and faith in God.

You see every storm has two sides.  It can be destructive and well as cleansing.  It brings disaster to some and blessings to others.  In an economical down turned community a storm may damage one’s home and at the same time provide a job for another.  The scripture in Romans 8 comes to mind.   Rom 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.  Then in those days as I began my journey of change and healing many scriptures became a part of my life.

Psa 27:1  Jehovah is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? Jehovah is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?  Psa 27:2  When the wicked, my enemies and my foes, came on me to eat my flesh, they stumbled and fell. Psa 27:3  Though an army should camp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war should rise against me, in this I am trusting. Psa 27:4  One thing I have desired from Jehovah, that I will seek after: that I may dwell in the house of Jehovah all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of Jehovah, and to pray in His temple. Psa 27:5  For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His shelter, in the secrecy of His tabernacle He shall hide me; He shall set me up on a rock. Psa 27:6  And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies, my encirclers; and I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle. I will sing; yea, I will sing praises to Jehovah.

I began to journal my daily times with my Father. As I learned more about him and discovered new truths. I found myself in need of changing.  I was coming to the place where the things I used to believe in were changing, and there were very few people I could share what I was learning and experiencing  with and often could not even  ask anybody questions. For often many would misunderstand what I was trying say or figure out. One time I asked a couple of pastor friends of mine about something I was discovering in the gospels and they took it wrong and it was long time before we ever had fellowship again.   I was learning that my world needed to change, and my perspective and faith needed to change as well.  I had come to the conclusion that as a pastor I had no power to change others, not even my own wife. So every morning I began my time in prayer asking God to change me.  Father change me, make me a better man, a better husband, a better father, a better pastor. Every morning I would ask God my Father to change me. The psalm of David began to have a great impact on my life   

Psa 51:10  Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Psa 51:11  Cast me not away from Your presence, and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.

Psa 51:12  Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Let’s continue with this! 

Let The Healing Begin

Psa 41:4  I said, Jehovah, be merciful to me; heal my soul; for I have sinned against You. Psa 41:5  My enemies speak evil of me, saying, When will he die, and his name perish? Psa 41:6  And when he comes to see me, he speaks vanity; his heart gathers iniquity to itself; he goes out and speaks of it. Psa 41:7  All those hating me whisper against me; they plot evil against me. Psa 41:8  They say, A wicked thing is poured out on him, and he who lies down shall rise no more. Psa 41:9  Even a man, my friend, in whom I trusted, who ate of my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.

Psa 41:10  But You, O Jehovah, be merciful to me, and raise me up, so that I may repay them.

This was the beginning of me healing. At the time I really did not know what I needed, yet I needed something to change for me or in me. I want to be clear, in letting you know, that at that time I did not even recognize what all was wrong with me.  I know there are people that it seems like God does a quick miraculous work in them. For me it was slow and over many years, even to this day there are things I still have to let God work on in me. I am in no way complete or perfect, but I am so thankful every day I am not where I was those years ago.

Upon reading the 41 Psalm, I realized how much like David I was and how much pain I was carrying.  I cried out to God, “OH God it hurts so much”. This scripture became my foundation to build from so to speak. During all that was going on I felt God began to do a work in me. I purposely started to set myself a part from the ministries I grew up with. I wanted to be transparent and honest with all in my congregation. Believe me I messed up a lot starting out, and for the next several years. I made up my mind to minister from my heart as well with my knowledge. I often stumbled through things I was teaching because as I studied, I was finding it hard to believe many of the things I grew up believing.

After those first few years of pain and struggle trying to pastor that little church. I began to read the Bible for the first time completely through, not for sermons, but to get all I could from the Word of God. Then to hear God speak to me through is Word was a greater desire. I started to journal my journey as I prayed and read the Word. I started with the Gospels, because I wanted to know what Jesus my messiah had to say. For the first time I saw the Father.  Jesus spoke so plainly about who he was and His relationship with His Father, the God of the universe. I wanted to know God as my Father as well, I wanted to know who He was. I began to call Him Father and Daddy for the first time.  My eyes began to open to deeper truths.

Now by this time my mother and father had been divorced for a few years now, and my dad had already remarried. They had both come to live in our town at different times, and attended my church. One Sunday I had ministered from the 41 Psalm and shared my testimony of pain and what I had experienced as a youth. My mother was in that service and she was so offended that she moved back to Nebraska. She claimed I was making it all up.  My father at another time was offended and claimed I was blaming him for my struggles.  There were other issues with my father that he ended up trying to hurt me by writing a condemning letter to my church about me.

So during these years I went deeper in the Word, still looking for answers to the questions I had.  I drew closer to God and leaned on him for peace and comfort.  When ministering from Psa 41, I asked God how do we move on and what can we expect next? How do we get past those memories? I am human and my mind is filled with painful memories. I will never forget what came to me that day. 

It’s like when I was learning to ride a bike. I started out on a large bike because that is what we had with older sisters.  There were no training wheels, it was just get on it from a step and let it rip.  I fell down very often, scraping my elbows and knees. I received lots of cuts, scrapes and bruises, that turned into scars.  Then once I learned to ride, I would try tricks and stunts often ending in very painful injuries. Today I still may have a few scars here and there on my body.  It’s the pain that is hard to remember. You know why?  Because each time I fell and got hurt, I would get right back on that bike until I had success.  After I have had success, the bad memories of the pain and hurts did not matter. Today I ride a bike without fear, no bad memories, or pain to stop me. I knew God was speaking to me that if I would just move forward and find success in Him the pain would go away. The scars of my past may still be there but the pain is a faint memory.

During this time, I began to ask God to help me change. I realized I could not change anyone or anything I had no control over.  I was not even the person to change my wife.  I was the one in need of change, so my prayer was change me, Daddy.  Often changes were messy, I stumbled through not knowing how to deal with many of them.  I am sure those around me were often confused as to who was the real Peter. I think the first real big change was having another child.

Because of the difficulty my wife had with our first and only child at the time, I swore we would not have another child.  I could not bear to see my wife go through such hard labor as she did.   Our first daughter was so long in the birthing that she suffered brain damage and we have had to deal with a mentally disabled child. In many ways she was like any other child, but it showed in her motor skills, learning ability, and maturity.  To this day she basically has the mind of a young teen although she is 36.  So I had made up my mind we were not doing that again.  

Then one day after time in prayer, bible reading, asking Daddy to change me, He swept over me in a deep emotional way. I felt like a heavy burden was lifted off of me. I looked at my wife differently and all fear was removed.  I got up and met her at the bathroom door and kissed her. Honey it's OK, I want us to have another child. I think I blew her away, but after a few short years of trying we finally gave it to God. Then the month I decided to quit working full time to give more time to the church, my wife became pregnant.  This time it was a success, and we were blessed with a precious gift from God.  The name I gave here means just that. God’s precious gift. Believe me she has lived up to that name 20 years later, and she is still a joy.  God had truly blessed; we now have two wonderful daughters. What would it had been if I had let all the pain keep me from moving on.    

More next time:  

Passion and Anger

There seems to be a close connection to one’s passion and their anger.  Over the years I have noticed that when people are passionate about something they tend to get angry when defending or have high expectations. That is how it was and at times still is with me. All my life I have been very passionate about ministry and truths of God’s Word.  I can say that almost always; I have had high expectations. Even at times in my past I was legalistic in my religious worship. I have striven to be all in when it comes to serving God.

Then as a matter of fact, due to the way I grew up, being small and picked on. I have always been an aggressive competitor.  Everything I did in life was high energy, and all out. My expectations and demands on myself were always high, even when my size and capabilities did not match the task. Then because I was very passionate about what I was doing, I would get angry when facing failure, or see those around me give up or not deal with it in equal passion. I know today how I addressed things was wrong, but the passion was real. I could get the task done, but there would be body bags everywhere.

This is how I lived. Back in high school I went out for varsity football. Never mind the coach thought I was crazy, and I was only 4’11” tall, weighing barley 105 lbs. soaking wet.  I just knew and expected I could do well and make the team. I was destroyed by the big sized guys in drills, but I kept going. Needless to say I did not make first team, but I did make the team probably due to a smaller school.  I played safety, giving it my all when I did get on the field, mostly just on special teams. I got hurt often and played with a lot of passion and anger. The anger was with myself, when I would fail at a play, never mind the other guy I was tackling or defending against was twice my size. I loved the game but that was the only year I played.

This was what was deep within me that night I met with my accusers. As my wife and I went home, with a boat load of emotions, from pain to anger.  What do we do next we asked each other? Then what about all the people we have come to know and love. There were several families that started coming to that church while I was there. Many expressed that they would no longer attend.  What about my friend, who was the son of that man who was hell bent on destroying me? Do we pack up and leave, or do we stay?  There were things I knew about that man but I gave my word not to tell anyone, do I keep my word? I did keep my word. The answers came quickly.

First my friend took his father’s side, as I knew he would and told him so. As a matter of fact, he took over the church and caused me much pain in our community, often accusing me before other pastors. At one time stormed out of a meeting saying that I will never be welcomed in his church. This went on for ten years.

Then many of those families that left the church approached me to start a new church. After about a month and much prayer and consideration I said OK. Things fell into place, in another month we had a church building at a very low cost. We opened with our first service on Father’s Day, almost 3 months after I was kicked out of the other church. Then all hell broke loose on me.

Part of the group that started with me quickly left. Some went with another person who started their own church. Others got angry with me when I would not talk about the other church and what they were doing us wrong. I just wanted to move forward in ministry. Then my only musician besides me left. I was a base player, not a good lead instrument.

One day about a month later we had a very bad storm go through our town, even a little tornado damage. I received a call from the fellowship’s President. “I hear you started a church, I am very disappointed in you”.  I explained how I had prayed about it and just knew it was what needed to be done. I told him how many we started with and how everything fell into place. He backed down some and said he would be praying for me. Then my friend that was a pastor of a church in the next town south about 20 miles, called me. He was also a new board member of our fellowship. “It sure was a bad storm today, you guys alright” then he told me some mutual friends of ours were in town and wanted to meet for lunch, besides he had something to share with me.

When we met for lunch, he revealed that there was a  board meeting by phone for the fellowship and I was the subject.  There was a move to have my papers with the fellowship revoked, there just was not enough votes to do so. All the pain and anger was back again. By this time the passion for ministry was hard at work and it would have to be God to get me to close that church and move. This went on for the rest of the year. Then at our annual Thanksgiving conference it was all I could take.

Thanksgiving conference was a big annual meeting for our fellowship. I had lots of friends that I would only see at conferences. My wife and I almost decided not to go that year, but we ended up going. After we got there we quickly wished we had not gone.  Halve the leadership was against me, and I had lost my position in the fellowship.  A couple of leaders tried to bring charges once again against me.  One got in my face and boldly lied to me, to which I quickly called him out on it. My passion and anger was at full boil. I left that conference and fellowship that night.

After a year or two of struggle and pain. The church did not seem to be going anywhere, already faced down a split. Have a new musician and worship leader, split with his wife and caught in an affair with another lady in the church. With all that was in me, the passion, pain, and anger, I was feeling like a complete failure. Yet, because of my strong passion and high expectations, I was not about to give up. I was so down on myself, in all that had happened, how could I have let it happen. Like it was my fault for the actions of others. I was feeling, how could I have not seen through these people, where was the holy spirit to lead me. I felt I had hit bottom. Now that is when God could start to do a work in me. I came across a scripture that was my hearts cry. OH God it hurts so much.  

Psa 41:4  I said, Jehovah, be merciful to me; heal my soul; for I have sinned against You. Psa 41:5  My enemies speak evil of me, saying, When will he die, and his name perish? Psa 41:6  And when he comes to see me, he speaks vanity; his heart gathers iniquity to itself; he goes out and speaks of it. Psa 41:7  All those hating me whisper against me; they plot evil against me. Psa 41:8  They say, A wicked thing is poured out on him, and he who lies down shall rise no more. Psa 41:9  Even a man, my friend, in whom I trusted, who ate of my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.

Psa 41:10  But You, O Jehovah, be merciful to me, and raise me up, so that I may repay them.

To be continued 

Anger, Deal With It

For me holding in the pain tends to turn to anger.  Mostly at myself for failing or even letting something get the best of me.  One time I was dealing with something very difficult and it took all that was in me to contain the anger. The person I was dealing with was amazed on how well I contained myself.  He mentioned most people they have dealt with in similar situations would be cursing at them.  As a believer of God and His word I fully understand what we have been taught and what scriptures say. But, we need to be honest here, this is something hard for our human nature to deal with.  When we are done wrong or feel like we have been disrespected, we tend to let our anger take control.  We act out or say things we know we should not say. Even if we feel we are right or just in our anger.

Psa_37:8  Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret yourself to do evil.
Pro_15:1  A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.

Pro_15:18  A wrathful man stirs up fighting, but one slow to anger calms fighting.

Pro_16:32  He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit is better than he who takes a city. 

I know, letting our anger have control often gives us self gratification for the moment, but the damage it can cause is often something that can not be repaired. Broken spirits and broken hearts and so much more. I am not saying we shouldn't get angry at all, I am saying I think we need to let it out but not lose control. In the end we need to deal with all the pain and anger we have. In the end a part of dealing with it is letting go of our anger and frustrations and let God do a work in us.

Mat 5:44  But I say to you, Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who despite-fully use you and persecute you, 
Mat 5:45  so that you may become sons of your Father in Heaven. For He makes His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 

Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and tumult and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
Eph 4:32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.
Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and tumult and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
Eph 4:32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.

Passion and anger can often be irrational.  It's like what we see in our current political scene today, we see people who are voting out of anger and their passions. Believe me I get it. Yet that does not mean they are making informed logical decisions.  It’s like when I was growing up I had 3 younger brothers. We loved playing all-star wrestling. We were all different but when playing we were all in.  The oldest of my tree brothers was somewhat passive aggressive, at times more passive.  This may sound mean, but when I was younger we truly did all those pro wrestling moves, at times with painful results.  Well there were days my passive brother was not in the mood to wrestle, but the rest of us would not stand for it.  So, many times to get him to wrestle with us, I would sit on his chest and slap his face back and forth until he was raging mad. In his anger we would have a great wrestling match. I don’t ever remember him winning while angry, and acting out in blind rage, but I sure had fun.  I said this to show that what I had seen in my father, and in others when anger was acted out.

This is why with all my strength I would hold all my anger in and let it turn to frustration and sadly to say some bitterness.  Both are equally bad, act out or hold it in.  For me holding it would cause a deep pain in my life and raised frustrations  with negative results in my attempts to achieve my life goals. I was a man of much pain and sorrow. Hating who I was, how I was raised, but at the same time passionately pursuing God and His calling on my life. This is where I was in my life that night I met with my accusers. I was hurting so bad on the inside yet so angry with what was being done. On top of that the spirit of God was leading me to hold my peace, when all that was in me wanted to make stand and defend myself. I wanted to fight?

As soon as the meeting started the accusations flew my direction, so fast that the President of the fellowship did not know what to say.  Before I knew it the person that was with me began to defend me. Then my pastor spoke up and said he may have believed I was wrong on my teachings but the rest was something He could not accept. He spoke up and vouched for my honesty and integrity. Then the President spoke up and said that if I was going to be the national youth director, and succeed in the fellowship I needed to do the right thing. Then the spirit let me speak and at that moment I knew what to say. I made one statement with just one question.  I said “you all have accused me of many things offering no proofs and scriptural foundation. You tell me to do the right thing, so could one of you please tell me what is the right thing according to the Word of God?” 

The room fell silent, no one had anything to say. The President finally spoke to me saying, he would be praying for me to do what was right. I spoke to those there that I was done and leaving and my wife and I turned and left the room. We both were silent in the car and upon arriving home began to ask what were we to do next. I think we both were so hurt and discouraged, but yet had some kind of determination to move forward. We could not change what had happened or the relationships that was forever changed. At times even today I grief a little over what was lost that night the years after that it impacted. If I let it, still today I get a little angry, yet God has done a work in me and He was already at work back then.

Continued next time     

Anger and Pain

Let's face it, we all deal with anger. I know it is probably right to say every human person deals with anger from time to time, and at different levels. We all deal with bad situations, people, circumstances and events we have no control over.  I know for me, I am a fixer and take on life full blast. That means if I loose control of something that I feel should be controlled, I tend to get angry.  When I try to fix something I feel should be able to fix, and I can't; I tend to get angry. Now know my anger is almost completely with myself. I don't know if there are very many out there like me, but I am sure there is. We all know how that feels.

Once again I will say anger is not wrong, nor in it's self bad.  It is the unresolved anger that leads to frustration, and unresolved frustration, can lead to acting out or held in leads to bitterness. Looking back over the years of my life that is where the battle lies.  Because of that I had to surrender to God and let him lead me through life and healing.  I will not tell you I have achieved perfect healing and have resolved all my frustrations to this date. However I am thankful that I am well on my way towards God's intended plans for me. It has been due to some recent events over the last few years in my life and once again facing anger and frustration, that I have looked at my journey with God my Father and identified what was causing me pain.  This is why I want to share my journey, it is my testimony and healing.

Anger and frustration causes a whole list of pains and troubles.  At it's core we see health issues, broken relationships, bad out look on life, and so much more. Maybe you have a few you could add to this simplified list I just gave. Each day I have to take a hard look at where I am and take inventory of what is still needed for an overcoming life, and true joy. It is like a couple that gets married seeing the short comings in each other, thinking that after they are married they can change each other. Then when they discover they can't they are already angry, frustrated, and full of pain. I have had to realize that I am not called to change anyone, not even my wife. I am in charge of my own life and there is where change needs to happen on a regular basis. Trying to change someone or something you have no control over only leads to anger and frustration.

Yes I have been hurt by others, let down and abused. Yet for some reason I have been more angry and frustrated at myself. I have held false expectations of myself, which leads to false expectations of others. This adds to the pain, why can't they see who I truly am. The problem with that was I did not really know who I was, how could I expect them to see what was so deeply hidden.

We can look at the story of Jacob and Esau. These are two totally different men, Yet as you read their story you can see how Esau had let anger and frustration lead his life. Then notice how the writer of Hebrews portrays Esau and using him as an example of bitterness.

 Heb 12:15-17  looking diligently lest any fail of the grace of God, or lest any root of bitterness springing up disturb you, and by it many are defiled, (lest there be any fornicator, or profane person like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright.  For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected; for he did not find any place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears). 

Anger can cause a lot of pain, if we do not deal with it. I know it did in me. I was my worst enemy. I carried my pain like somewhat a badge of honor. I had come to hate where I had come from and did not like where I was going. Yet in all this pain I was seeking God and trying to follow His voice.

As I was telling you last time, the mess I was in with my first church.  Well it finely came to a big blow out.  To this day I will not say I knew what I was doing, but I felt with all my heart I was doing the right thing.  I was trying with all I knew to follow God's lead and put into action truths I had been discovering. Well that got me into a lot of trouble and pain. Before I knew what had happened or had time to really deal with where I was in the church, I was kicked out and  called to a meeting with our fellowship President, and supposed counsel. I was being called in to answer charges that were laid against me by the previous pastor concerning stealing money, trying to undermine His authority, and a few other things such as false teachings.

Needless to say I was hurt and very angry. How could they do this to me, where was the evidence? Of course I knew they had none, because I knew I did not do what I was accused of. I walked the block I don't know how many times. This man just a few week earlier had made sure I was booted out of the church, and told to leave town. Then in a meeting we had with him, he told me God wanted me to repent and submit to him and move to the town where he was and attend his church. No way was that going to happen. So, because I would not be intimidated, he raised charges against me in our fellowship.  I was being wronged and God I was not going to stand by and let it happen, is what I was telling God each time I went around the block. I just wonder what people thought as they saw me walking, talking, and displaying a lot of emotion with no one around me.

What God spoke to me at that moment was very hard, but I needed God to be on my side, He told me to hold my peace, I was not going to win that battle in my anger. Then the following scriptures came to me.  

Rom_12:17  Repay no one evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.

1Th_5:15  See that none gives evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue the good, both towards one another and towards all.

1Pe_3:9  Never give back evil for evil, or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, giving blessing, knowing that you are called to this so that you might inherit blessing.

I entered the meeting that night with only my wife and one person at my side. I had come to a resolve to be at peace even in my anger. As I entered the room there was the one accusing me, the President of our fellowship, and two other men and the one was my pastor whom I had served under and with for 17 years. He was there to accuse me of false teaching. I was being called a heretic, I could have probably endured all the other accusations, but my pastor? It cut me to the core and my spirit almost left me right there. How could he, if anybody should have known me and my heart it was him. All my anger melted in complete pain.

Continued next week    

Anger and Trouble

 It has been a long two weeks since my last post. A lot has happened in our lives, some expected and some not, but God is good and at work for us. Even when typing this weeks post I lost it all in editing and had to start over.

As I share my journey please understand that I do not want to leave you with the impression that all preachers are  bad.  There are however those  I dealt with and grew up with that were peddlers of emotion, excitement, and prophecies, snake oil salesmen. They seemed to be angry spiritual bullies. The services they conducted where high with emotion and loud music, the louder the better. Then don't forget, they were masters at taking up large sums of money in offerings.  It seemed many times all they had to do was take a few givers by the hand and prophecy good things and the line to give would be long with people looking for a good word from the Lord.  These were the conditions I was in and the church that was the first one for me to pastor. I was in no way ready for what I was about to be hit with.

It was not long after we moved and settled in to pastor, that we realized what we had gotten into. This church had been and still was controlled by a spiritual bully, who had great influence with many people and in the fellowship I was associated with.  The church was in trouble in more ways than one. It was dying.  We were struggling to make ends meet and the more I studied the more I found things I disagreed with. It became a battle within me and where could I turn for answers.  I was finding that I did not agree with many teachings of those around me. I was finding out how much corruption and deceit was in  the ministers I had been associated with and the effect of the bully who ran this church for many years. This began to open up my eyes to how much trouble I was in. I called it the church from hell.

Needless to say I got angry at God. How could He bring me to such a place? Is this the way He answered our prayers for ministry and change in our lives? I just knew at first this was the door He had opened to us, but now I had my doubts. The good thing is, God could handle me being angry at Him. The other good that happened in all that was going on, it was drawing me closer to God and I was praying more than ever and studying more.  I needed answers to why I was there. Then that lead to even more struggles, let me explain.

While we were struggling with the church, barely making ends meet. We were fighting our own battles.  Our marriage was struggling, and our oldest and only child at the time was not happy at all.  One day at the age of twelve my wife found her in her room packing.  When asked what she was doing she quickly informed my wife she was moving back home.  Because of the anger that was in me I would not fight with my wife.  As I mentioned in earlier post, that my father had a great temper and when my parents fought it was not pretty.  I was so determined not to be like my father that I would walk out on my wife instead of fighting.  The more I studied the more I battled, with those around me and myself. What I was learning was so contrary to much of what I was exposed to and learned in the past.

In the following scriptures we find what uncontrolled anger can do. The results it produces and warnings about anger and those who are always angry. At the time I did not know these scriptures but today they help me understand.
 

Pro_14:17  He who is soon angry acts foolishly, and a man of wicked plots is hated. 

Pro_22:24  Make no friendship with an angry man; and you shall not go up with a man of fury,

Pro_25:23  The north wind drives away rain; so does an angry face a backbiting tongue.

Pro_29:22  An angry man stirs up fighting, and a furious man abounds in sin. 

Ecc_7:9  Do not be hasty in your spirit to be angry; for anger rests in the bosom of fools.

I was turning more to God and He was doing doing a work in me. I will not lead you to think all was turning out well, or I handled everything right. I am not a complete innocent victim.  When frustrated and angry, we do not always do the right things.  Even turning to God my frustration and anger was at a high. I did not know what to do, who to turn to, or who to trust.  I did go once to a leader in our fellowship and all he could say was "just hang in there it will work out".  That was not a lot of help since it seemed like it was getting worse by the day.

The time came when I began to let go and let God do a work in me.  One day a long time friend of ours whom I had ministered to for many years as he battled alcoholism, gave me a book to read.  The book was titled "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents and Dysfunctional Families". He told me I needed to read it, and that it had helped him so much.  At first I felt insulted, my parents did not drink at all, "it was a sin". We were Christians, how dare you say we were dysfunctional. Yes we had our issues, but our faith was in God and that was good enough.  The other challenge was up to that point I can not remember ever reading a book since school.  I was not a reader, I was a doer.  I had not even read the bible completely yet. How was this book going to help me anyway?

My wife encouraged me to read it, strongly I might add. I began to read the book and could not put it down.  It was like looking into a mirror at myself.  I saw my family, my childhood actions and it scared me. For the first time my eyes were being opened to where I was and how much in pain and trouble I was in.  The statistics their research was reveling was staggering and I realized I needed help.  The trouble with what I realized was, who do I turn to for help.  I was told all my life that those who trust in doctors did not have faith in God.  Besides all I knew of counselors and psychiatrist, was they did not understand spiritual matters and would try to destroy my faith.  I know better today, there are many Godly professionals that build faith and trust in God while digging in to ones troubled mind. At the time I felt all alone, no one to turn to.

Shortly after reading the book it came to a head in our family. One night after seeing that the book had affected me, she wanted answers. Like all the times before I was not going to reveal how I was feeling. After fighting and toiling with her most the night I gave in.  I told her everything.  I told her all I was dealing with in my life. I shared my hurts and pain, how I was sexually abused and its effects on my life. I exposed my demons and anger for the first time. I had held it all in all these years afraid that no one would love me if the knew the truth of what I have held in and fought all those years. We prayed together and she showed love and commitment to me.  It was just the beginning of a life long journey of healing and change. We began to fight back together, yes I had a lot to learn about letting her into my heart for many years to come, but it was great start. Dealing with this started another set of problems, I could no longer tolerate my life like it was, and how do I deal with what was a head of me. How was I going to change and make changes around me. Little did I know the impact that had and the trouble I was about to face.

We will pick this up next week,