Anger, Deal With It

For me holding in the pain tends to turn to anger.  Mostly at myself for failing or even letting something get the best of me.  One time I was dealing with something very difficult and it took all that was in me to contain the anger. The person I was dealing with was amazed on how well I contained myself.  He mentioned most people they have dealt with in similar situations would be cursing at them.  As a believer of God and His word I fully understand what we have been taught and what scriptures say. But, we need to be honest here, this is something hard for our human nature to deal with.  When we are done wrong or feel like we have been disrespected, we tend to let our anger take control.  We act out or say things we know we should not say. Even if we feel we are right or just in our anger.

Psa_37:8  Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret yourself to do evil.
Pro_15:1  A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.

Pro_15:18  A wrathful man stirs up fighting, but one slow to anger calms fighting.

Pro_16:32  He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit is better than he who takes a city. 

I know, letting our anger have control often gives us self gratification for the moment, but the damage it can cause is often something that can not be repaired. Broken spirits and broken hearts and so much more. I am not saying we shouldn't get angry at all, I am saying I think we need to let it out but not lose control. In the end we need to deal with all the pain and anger we have. In the end a part of dealing with it is letting go of our anger and frustrations and let God do a work in us.

Mat 5:44  But I say to you, Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who despite-fully use you and persecute you, 
Mat 5:45  so that you may become sons of your Father in Heaven. For He makes His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 

Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and tumult and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
Eph 4:32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.
Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and tumult and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
Eph 4:32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.

Passion and anger can often be irrational.  It's like what we see in our current political scene today, we see people who are voting out of anger and their passions. Believe me I get it. Yet that does not mean they are making informed logical decisions.  It’s like when I was growing up I had 3 younger brothers. We loved playing all-star wrestling. We were all different but when playing we were all in.  The oldest of my tree brothers was somewhat passive aggressive, at times more passive.  This may sound mean, but when I was younger we truly did all those pro wrestling moves, at times with painful results.  Well there were days my passive brother was not in the mood to wrestle, but the rest of us would not stand for it.  So, many times to get him to wrestle with us, I would sit on his chest and slap his face back and forth until he was raging mad. In his anger we would have a great wrestling match. I don’t ever remember him winning while angry, and acting out in blind rage, but I sure had fun.  I said this to show that what I had seen in my father, and in others when anger was acted out.

This is why with all my strength I would hold all my anger in and let it turn to frustration and sadly to say some bitterness.  Both are equally bad, act out or hold it in.  For me holding it would cause a deep pain in my life and raised frustrations  with negative results in my attempts to achieve my life goals. I was a man of much pain and sorrow. Hating who I was, how I was raised, but at the same time passionately pursuing God and His calling on my life. This is where I was in my life that night I met with my accusers. I was hurting so bad on the inside yet so angry with what was being done. On top of that the spirit of God was leading me to hold my peace, when all that was in me wanted to make stand and defend myself. I wanted to fight?

As soon as the meeting started the accusations flew my direction, so fast that the President of the fellowship did not know what to say.  Before I knew it the person that was with me began to defend me. Then my pastor spoke up and said he may have believed I was wrong on my teachings but the rest was something He could not accept. He spoke up and vouched for my honesty and integrity. Then the President spoke up and said that if I was going to be the national youth director, and succeed in the fellowship I needed to do the right thing. Then the spirit let me speak and at that moment I knew what to say. I made one statement with just one question.  I said “you all have accused me of many things offering no proofs and scriptural foundation. You tell me to do the right thing, so could one of you please tell me what is the right thing according to the Word of God?” 

The room fell silent, no one had anything to say. The President finally spoke to me saying, he would be praying for me to do what was right. I spoke to those there that I was done and leaving and my wife and I turned and left the room. We both were silent in the car and upon arriving home began to ask what were we to do next. I think we both were so hurt and discouraged, but yet had some kind of determination to move forward. We could not change what had happened or the relationships that was forever changed. At times even today I grief a little over what was lost that night the years after that it impacted. If I let it, still today I get a little angry, yet God has done a work in me and He was already at work back then.

Continued next time     

Anger and Pain

Let's face it, we all deal with anger. I know it is probably right to say every human person deals with anger from time to time, and at different levels. We all deal with bad situations, people, circumstances and events we have no control over.  I know for me, I am a fixer and take on life full blast. That means if I loose control of something that I feel should be controlled, I tend to get angry.  When I try to fix something I feel should be able to fix, and I can't; I tend to get angry. Now know my anger is almost completely with myself. I don't know if there are very many out there like me, but I am sure there is. We all know how that feels.

Once again I will say anger is not wrong, nor in it's self bad.  It is the unresolved anger that leads to frustration, and unresolved frustration, can lead to acting out or held in leads to bitterness. Looking back over the years of my life that is where the battle lies.  Because of that I had to surrender to God and let him lead me through life and healing.  I will not tell you I have achieved perfect healing and have resolved all my frustrations to this date. However I am thankful that I am well on my way towards God's intended plans for me. It has been due to some recent events over the last few years in my life and once again facing anger and frustration, that I have looked at my journey with God my Father and identified what was causing me pain.  This is why I want to share my journey, it is my testimony and healing.

Anger and frustration causes a whole list of pains and troubles.  At it's core we see health issues, broken relationships, bad out look on life, and so much more. Maybe you have a few you could add to this simplified list I just gave. Each day I have to take a hard look at where I am and take inventory of what is still needed for an overcoming life, and true joy. It is like a couple that gets married seeing the short comings in each other, thinking that after they are married they can change each other. Then when they discover they can't they are already angry, frustrated, and full of pain. I have had to realize that I am not called to change anyone, not even my wife. I am in charge of my own life and there is where change needs to happen on a regular basis. Trying to change someone or something you have no control over only leads to anger and frustration.

Yes I have been hurt by others, let down and abused. Yet for some reason I have been more angry and frustrated at myself. I have held false expectations of myself, which leads to false expectations of others. This adds to the pain, why can't they see who I truly am. The problem with that was I did not really know who I was, how could I expect them to see what was so deeply hidden.

We can look at the story of Jacob and Esau. These are two totally different men, Yet as you read their story you can see how Esau had let anger and frustration lead his life. Then notice how the writer of Hebrews portrays Esau and using him as an example of bitterness.

 Heb 12:15-17  looking diligently lest any fail of the grace of God, or lest any root of bitterness springing up disturb you, and by it many are defiled, (lest there be any fornicator, or profane person like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright.  For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected; for he did not find any place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears). 

Anger can cause a lot of pain, if we do not deal with it. I know it did in me. I was my worst enemy. I carried my pain like somewhat a badge of honor. I had come to hate where I had come from and did not like where I was going. Yet in all this pain I was seeking God and trying to follow His voice.

As I was telling you last time, the mess I was in with my first church.  Well it finely came to a big blow out.  To this day I will not say I knew what I was doing, but I felt with all my heart I was doing the right thing.  I was trying with all I knew to follow God's lead and put into action truths I had been discovering. Well that got me into a lot of trouble and pain. Before I knew what had happened or had time to really deal with where I was in the church, I was kicked out and  called to a meeting with our fellowship President, and supposed counsel. I was being called in to answer charges that were laid against me by the previous pastor concerning stealing money, trying to undermine His authority, and a few other things such as false teachings.

Needless to say I was hurt and very angry. How could they do this to me, where was the evidence? Of course I knew they had none, because I knew I did not do what I was accused of. I walked the block I don't know how many times. This man just a few week earlier had made sure I was booted out of the church, and told to leave town. Then in a meeting we had with him, he told me God wanted me to repent and submit to him and move to the town where he was and attend his church. No way was that going to happen. So, because I would not be intimidated, he raised charges against me in our fellowship.  I was being wronged and God I was not going to stand by and let it happen, is what I was telling God each time I went around the block. I just wonder what people thought as they saw me walking, talking, and displaying a lot of emotion with no one around me.

What God spoke to me at that moment was very hard, but I needed God to be on my side, He told me to hold my peace, I was not going to win that battle in my anger. Then the following scriptures came to me.  

Rom_12:17  Repay no one evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.

1Th_5:15  See that none gives evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue the good, both towards one another and towards all.

1Pe_3:9  Never give back evil for evil, or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, giving blessing, knowing that you are called to this so that you might inherit blessing.

I entered the meeting that night with only my wife and one person at my side. I had come to a resolve to be at peace even in my anger. As I entered the room there was the one accusing me, the President of our fellowship, and two other men and the one was my pastor whom I had served under and with for 17 years. He was there to accuse me of false teaching. I was being called a heretic, I could have probably endured all the other accusations, but my pastor? It cut me to the core and my spirit almost left me right there. How could he, if anybody should have known me and my heart it was him. All my anger melted in complete pain.

Continued next week    

Anger and Trouble

 It has been a long two weeks since my last post. A lot has happened in our lives, some expected and some not, but God is good and at work for us. Even when typing this weeks post I lost it all in editing and had to start over.

As I share my journey please understand that I do not want to leave you with the impression that all preachers are  bad.  There are however those  I dealt with and grew up with that were peddlers of emotion, excitement, and prophecies, snake oil salesmen. They seemed to be angry spiritual bullies. The services they conducted where high with emotion and loud music, the louder the better. Then don't forget, they were masters at taking up large sums of money in offerings.  It seemed many times all they had to do was take a few givers by the hand and prophecy good things and the line to give would be long with people looking for a good word from the Lord.  These were the conditions I was in and the church that was the first one for me to pastor. I was in no way ready for what I was about to be hit with.

It was not long after we moved and settled in to pastor, that we realized what we had gotten into. This church had been and still was controlled by a spiritual bully, who had great influence with many people and in the fellowship I was associated with.  The church was in trouble in more ways than one. It was dying.  We were struggling to make ends meet and the more I studied the more I found things I disagreed with. It became a battle within me and where could I turn for answers.  I was finding that I did not agree with many teachings of those around me. I was finding out how much corruption and deceit was in  the ministers I had been associated with and the effect of the bully who ran this church for many years. This began to open up my eyes to how much trouble I was in. I called it the church from hell.

Needless to say I got angry at God. How could He bring me to such a place? Is this the way He answered our prayers for ministry and change in our lives? I just knew at first this was the door He had opened to us, but now I had my doubts. The good thing is, God could handle me being angry at Him. The other good that happened in all that was going on, it was drawing me closer to God and I was praying more than ever and studying more.  I needed answers to why I was there. Then that lead to even more struggles, let me explain.

While we were struggling with the church, barely making ends meet. We were fighting our own battles.  Our marriage was struggling, and our oldest and only child at the time was not happy at all.  One day at the age of twelve my wife found her in her room packing.  When asked what she was doing she quickly informed my wife she was moving back home.  Because of the anger that was in me I would not fight with my wife.  As I mentioned in earlier post, that my father had a great temper and when my parents fought it was not pretty.  I was so determined not to be like my father that I would walk out on my wife instead of fighting.  The more I studied the more I battled, with those around me and myself. What I was learning was so contrary to much of what I was exposed to and learned in the past.

In the following scriptures we find what uncontrolled anger can do. The results it produces and warnings about anger and those who are always angry. At the time I did not know these scriptures but today they help me understand.
 

Pro_14:17  He who is soon angry acts foolishly, and a man of wicked plots is hated. 

Pro_22:24  Make no friendship with an angry man; and you shall not go up with a man of fury,

Pro_25:23  The north wind drives away rain; so does an angry face a backbiting tongue.

Pro_29:22  An angry man stirs up fighting, and a furious man abounds in sin. 

Ecc_7:9  Do not be hasty in your spirit to be angry; for anger rests in the bosom of fools.

I was turning more to God and He was doing doing a work in me. I will not lead you to think all was turning out well, or I handled everything right. I am not a complete innocent victim.  When frustrated and angry, we do not always do the right things.  Even turning to God my frustration and anger was at a high. I did not know what to do, who to turn to, or who to trust.  I did go once to a leader in our fellowship and all he could say was "just hang in there it will work out".  That was not a lot of help since it seemed like it was getting worse by the day.

The time came when I began to let go and let God do a work in me.  One day a long time friend of ours whom I had ministered to for many years as he battled alcoholism, gave me a book to read.  The book was titled "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents and Dysfunctional Families". He told me I needed to read it, and that it had helped him so much.  At first I felt insulted, my parents did not drink at all, "it was a sin". We were Christians, how dare you say we were dysfunctional. Yes we had our issues, but our faith was in God and that was good enough.  The other challenge was up to that point I can not remember ever reading a book since school.  I was not a reader, I was a doer.  I had not even read the bible completely yet. How was this book going to help me anyway?

My wife encouraged me to read it, strongly I might add. I began to read the book and could not put it down.  It was like looking into a mirror at myself.  I saw my family, my childhood actions and it scared me. For the first time my eyes were being opened to where I was and how much in pain and trouble I was in.  The statistics their research was reveling was staggering and I realized I needed help.  The trouble with what I realized was, who do I turn to for help.  I was told all my life that those who trust in doctors did not have faith in God.  Besides all I knew of counselors and psychiatrist, was they did not understand spiritual matters and would try to destroy my faith.  I know better today, there are many Godly professionals that build faith and trust in God while digging in to ones troubled mind. At the time I felt all alone, no one to turn to.

Shortly after reading the book it came to a head in our family. One night after seeing that the book had affected me, she wanted answers. Like all the times before I was not going to reveal how I was feeling. After fighting and toiling with her most the night I gave in.  I told her everything.  I told her all I was dealing with in my life. I shared my hurts and pain, how I was sexually abused and its effects on my life. I exposed my demons and anger for the first time. I had held it all in all these years afraid that no one would love me if the knew the truth of what I have held in and fought all those years. We prayed together and she showed love and commitment to me.  It was just the beginning of a life long journey of healing and change. We began to fight back together, yes I had a lot to learn about letting her into my heart for many years to come, but it was great start. Dealing with this started another set of problems, I could no longer tolerate my life like it was, and how do I deal with what was a head of me. How was I going to change and make changes around me. Little did I know the impact that had and the trouble I was about to face.

We will pick this up next week,