Jas 1:19 Therefore, my beloved brothers, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.
Jas 1:20 For the wrath of man does not work out the righteousness of God.
In a time of prayer some time back I realized my problem was anger. I felt Father was dealing with me and showing me how anger was effecting my life. I had let a whole bunch of people and events get to me and anger was getting a hold of my life.
Growing up I had big dreams and expectation for my life. I have always felt God had a purpose for me and a calling for me to fulfill. My whole ambition in life was to pursue that purpose and dreams. I will say there was even a time that I pursued my dreams and calling more than God himself. I know today more than ever how off track I was. Without a strong relationship with the Father there is no way to truly understand God's given purpose and dreams.
As I was growing up I was small for my age, and found myself almost always fighting back bullies. I was often in fights and was determined never to lose, so often in pain and bloodied I would never stop until I had overcome. The sad thing about that was, my parents were against fighting and I would often get punished for getting into a fight. The other thing I dealt with, was proving myself to everyone that I could do what everyone else my age could do. All someone had to do was tell me I could not do something and I would set out to prove them wrong. Like the time I was 4' 11", 105 lbs I went out for varsity football, boy did I get my bell rung a few times.
Then in my home where there should have been peace and love, I and my siblings did not know what that was. My parents lived in our home with basically a love hate relationship. Years later we were told that they stayed together for us kids, and also because of their religious beliefs. Because of that they spent the last twenty plus years of their marriage fighting and tearing each other down. Due to that I saw a lot of anger in my father. The long lasting effect on all of the family was devastating, with children with multiple divorces and remarriages, drugs, and broken families. I was ashamed of who I was and my family.
It was easy for me to be angry. I guess you could say I had some serious security issues. I used that anger to propel me to achieve. I was more determined to accomplish my dreams and calling. The further my dreams seemed from me the more I fought to accomplish what I felt was my purpose. I was lost without a place I felt I belonged.
In pursuing my calling, and having a strong hunger to be the person God wanted, I made some poor choices in life. I also relied to heavily on spiritual leaders and men. I trusted them for my doctrines, and understanding of God. At the time I did not see it, but boy was I wrong. I worked hard to please men whom we were taught had God given authority. I wanted to believe the best and that they had my best interest at heart. They were manipulators, deceivers, and users of people. I did not see the impact they had on me or how much advantage they took until years later when some things were revealed. The biggest lie was if I stayed with and under their authority that they would help me accomplish, and fulfill my calling. They filled me with promises and praises, but only as I did what they said was submission to God through them.
Years later I am a pastor of a church thinking I had broken free, but as long as I let anger rule in my life I was still bound. I was having some success, but each step was a battle and full of set backs. I was still trying to prove myself and find acceptance. I joined fellowships and a denomination trying to find my place. I truly thought I was doing better and healing in my heart, but there still was that anger. Like the scripture anger was holding me back from the plans of God.
Piece by Piece through simple events I began to see some changes. I began to seek God not the dream or calling. One time during a struggle I even got angry at God. I had my face buried in the carpet yelling at God. When I was done God spoke to my heart and I felt a peace I never felt before. I began to recognize that God wanted me to know Him and all He was. I began to see Him as my Father. In prayer each day I would call Him Daddy, Little by little He would show me people I needed to forgive. It took time, but day by day I was feeling anger leave me. Yet the work was not done, this was going to some time
More Next Time
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