There seems to be a close connection to one’s passion and
their anger. Over the years I have noticed
that when people are passionate about something they tend to get angry when
defending or have high expectations. That is how it was and at times still is
with me. All my life I have been very passionate about ministry and truths of
God’s Word. I can say that almost always;
I have had high expectations. Even at times in my past I was legalistic in my religious
worship. I have striven to be all in when it comes to serving God.
Then as a matter of fact, due to the way I grew up,
being small and picked on. I have always been an aggressive competitor. Everything I did in life was high energy, and
all out. My expectations and demands on myself were always high, even when my
size and capabilities did not match the task. Then because I was very
passionate about what I was doing, I would get angry when facing failure, or
see those around me give up or not deal with it in equal passion. I know today
how I addressed things was wrong, but the passion was real. I could get the
task done, but there would be body bags everywhere.
This is how I lived. Back in high school I went out
for varsity football. Never mind the coach thought I was crazy, and I was only
4’11” tall, weighing barley 105 lbs. soaking wet. I just knew and expected I could do well and
make the team. I was destroyed by the big sized guys in drills, but I kept
going. Needless to say I did not make first team, but I did make the team probably
due to a smaller school. I played safety,
giving it my all when I did get on the field, mostly just on special teams. I
got hurt often and played with a lot of passion and anger. The anger was with
myself, when I would fail at a play, never mind the other guy I was tackling or
defending against was twice my size. I loved the game but that was the only year
I played.
This was what was deep within me that night I met with
my accusers. As my wife and I went home, with a boat load of emotions, from
pain to anger. What do we do next we
asked each other? Then what about all the people we have come to know and love.
There were several families that started coming to that church while I was
there. Many expressed that they would no longer attend. What about my friend, who was the son of that
man who was hell bent on destroying me? Do we pack up and leave, or do we
stay? There were things I knew about
that man but I gave my word not to tell anyone, do I keep my word? I did keep my word. The answers
came quickly.
First my friend took his father’s side, as I knew he
would and told him so. As a matter of fact, he took over the church and caused me much pain in
our community, often accusing me before other pastors. At one time stormed out
of a meeting saying that I will never be welcomed in his church. This went on
for ten years.
Then many of those families that left the church approached
me to start a new church. After about a month and much prayer and consideration
I said OK. Things fell into place, in another month we had a church building at
a very low cost. We opened with our first service on Father’s Day, almost 3
months after I was kicked out of the other church. Then all hell broke loose on
me.
Part of the group that started with me quickly left.
Some went with another person who started their own church. Others got angry
with me when I would not talk about the other church and what they were doing us
wrong. I just wanted to move forward in ministry. Then my only musician besides
me left. I was a base player, not a good lead instrument.
One day about a month later we had a very bad storm
go through our town, even a little tornado damage. I received a call from the
fellowship’s President. “I hear you started a church, I am very disappointed in
you”. I explained how I had prayed about
it and just knew it was what needed to be done. I told him how many we started
with and how everything fell into place. He backed down some and said he would
be praying for me. Then my friend that was a pastor of a church in the next town
south about 20 miles, called me. He was also a new board member of our
fellowship. “It sure was a bad storm today, you guys alright” then he told me
some mutual friends of ours were in town and wanted to meet for lunch, besides
he had something to share with me.
When we met for lunch, he revealed that there was a board meeting by phone for the fellowship and I was the subject. There was a move to have my papers with the
fellowship revoked, there just was not enough votes to do so. All the pain and
anger was back again. By this time the passion for ministry was hard at work
and it would have to be God to get me to close that church and move. This went
on for the rest of the year. Then at our annual Thanksgiving conference it was
all I could take.
Thanksgiving conference was a big annual meeting for
our fellowship. I had lots of friends that I would only see at conferences. My
wife and I almost decided not to go that year, but we ended up going. After we
got there we quickly wished we had not gone.
Halve the leadership was against me, and I had lost my position in the
fellowship. A couple of leaders tried to
bring charges once again against me. One
got in my face and boldly lied to me, to which I quickly called him out on it.
My passion and anger was at full boil. I left that conference and fellowship
that night.
After a year or two of struggle and pain. The church
did not seem to be going anywhere, already faced down a split. Have a new musician
and worship leader, split with his wife and caught in an affair with another
lady in the church. With all that was in me, the passion, pain, and anger, I
was feeling like a complete failure. Yet, because of my strong passion and high
expectations, I was not about to give up. I was so down on myself, in all that
had happened, how could I have let it happen. Like it was my fault for the
actions of others. I was feeling, how could I have not seen through these
people, where was the holy spirit to lead me. I felt I had hit bottom. Now that
is when God could start to do a work in me. I came across a scripture that was
my hearts cry. OH God it hurts so much.
Psa 41:4 I said, Jehovah, be merciful to me; heal my soul;
for I have sinned against You. Psa 41:5 My enemies speak evil of me,
saying, When will he die, and his name perish? Psa 41:6 And when he comes
to see me, he speaks vanity; his heart gathers iniquity to itself; he goes out
and speaks of it. Psa 41:7 All those hating me whisper against me; they
plot evil against me. Psa 41:8 They say, A wicked thing is poured out on
him, and he who lies down shall rise no more. Psa 41:9 Even a man, my
friend, in whom I trusted, who ate of my bread, has lifted up his heel against
me.
Psa 41:10 But You, O Jehovah, be merciful to me, and raise
me up, so that I may repay them.
To be continued
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