Let The Healing Begin

Psa 41:4  I said, Jehovah, be merciful to me; heal my soul; for I have sinned against You. Psa 41:5  My enemies speak evil of me, saying, When will he die, and his name perish? Psa 41:6  And when he comes to see me, he speaks vanity; his heart gathers iniquity to itself; he goes out and speaks of it. Psa 41:7  All those hating me whisper against me; they plot evil against me. Psa 41:8  They say, A wicked thing is poured out on him, and he who lies down shall rise no more. Psa 41:9  Even a man, my friend, in whom I trusted, who ate of my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.

Psa 41:10  But You, O Jehovah, be merciful to me, and raise me up, so that I may repay them.

This was the beginning of me healing. At the time I really did not know what I needed, yet I needed something to change for me or in me. I want to be clear, in letting you know, that at that time I did not even recognize what all was wrong with me.  I know there are people that it seems like God does a quick miraculous work in them. For me it was slow and over many years, even to this day there are things I still have to let God work on in me. I am in no way complete or perfect, but I am so thankful every day I am not where I was those years ago.

Upon reading the 41 Psalm, I realized how much like David I was and how much pain I was carrying.  I cried out to God, “OH God it hurts so much”. This scripture became my foundation to build from so to speak. During all that was going on I felt God began to do a work in me. I purposely started to set myself a part from the ministries I grew up with. I wanted to be transparent and honest with all in my congregation. Believe me I messed up a lot starting out, and for the next several years. I made up my mind to minister from my heart as well with my knowledge. I often stumbled through things I was teaching because as I studied, I was finding it hard to believe many of the things I grew up believing.

After those first few years of pain and struggle trying to pastor that little church. I began to read the Bible for the first time completely through, not for sermons, but to get all I could from the Word of God. Then to hear God speak to me through is Word was a greater desire. I started to journal my journey as I prayed and read the Word. I started with the Gospels, because I wanted to know what Jesus my messiah had to say. For the first time I saw the Father.  Jesus spoke so plainly about who he was and His relationship with His Father, the God of the universe. I wanted to know God as my Father as well, I wanted to know who He was. I began to call Him Father and Daddy for the first time.  My eyes began to open to deeper truths.

Now by this time my mother and father had been divorced for a few years now, and my dad had already remarried. They had both come to live in our town at different times, and attended my church. One Sunday I had ministered from the 41 Psalm and shared my testimony of pain and what I had experienced as a youth. My mother was in that service and she was so offended that she moved back to Nebraska. She claimed I was making it all up.  My father at another time was offended and claimed I was blaming him for my struggles.  There were other issues with my father that he ended up trying to hurt me by writing a condemning letter to my church about me.

So during these years I went deeper in the Word, still looking for answers to the questions I had.  I drew closer to God and leaned on him for peace and comfort.  When ministering from Psa 41, I asked God how do we move on and what can we expect next? How do we get past those memories? I am human and my mind is filled with painful memories. I will never forget what came to me that day. 

It’s like when I was learning to ride a bike. I started out on a large bike because that is what we had with older sisters.  There were no training wheels, it was just get on it from a step and let it rip.  I fell down very often, scraping my elbows and knees. I received lots of cuts, scrapes and bruises, that turned into scars.  Then once I learned to ride, I would try tricks and stunts often ending in very painful injuries. Today I still may have a few scars here and there on my body.  It’s the pain that is hard to remember. You know why?  Because each time I fell and got hurt, I would get right back on that bike until I had success.  After I have had success, the bad memories of the pain and hurts did not matter. Today I ride a bike without fear, no bad memories, or pain to stop me. I knew God was speaking to me that if I would just move forward and find success in Him the pain would go away. The scars of my past may still be there but the pain is a faint memory.

During this time, I began to ask God to help me change. I realized I could not change anyone or anything I had no control over.  I was not even the person to change my wife.  I was the one in need of change, so my prayer was change me, Daddy.  Often changes were messy, I stumbled through not knowing how to deal with many of them.  I am sure those around me were often confused as to who was the real Peter. I think the first real big change was having another child.

Because of the difficulty my wife had with our first and only child at the time, I swore we would not have another child.  I could not bear to see my wife go through such hard labor as she did.   Our first daughter was so long in the birthing that she suffered brain damage and we have had to deal with a mentally disabled child. In many ways she was like any other child, but it showed in her motor skills, learning ability, and maturity.  To this day she basically has the mind of a young teen although she is 36.  So I had made up my mind we were not doing that again.  

Then one day after time in prayer, bible reading, asking Daddy to change me, He swept over me in a deep emotional way. I felt like a heavy burden was lifted off of me. I looked at my wife differently and all fear was removed.  I got up and met her at the bathroom door and kissed her. Honey it's OK, I want us to have another child. I think I blew her away, but after a few short years of trying we finally gave it to God. Then the month I decided to quit working full time to give more time to the church, my wife became pregnant.  This time it was a success, and we were blessed with a precious gift from God.  The name I gave here means just that. God’s precious gift. Believe me she has lived up to that name 20 years later, and she is still a joy.  God had truly blessed; we now have two wonderful daughters. What would it had been if I had let all the pain keep me from moving on.    

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