Passion and Anger

There seems to be a close connection to one’s passion and their anger.  Over the years I have noticed that when people are passionate about something they tend to get angry when defending or have high expectations. That is how it was and at times still is with me. All my life I have been very passionate about ministry and truths of God’s Word.  I can say that almost always; I have had high expectations. Even at times in my past I was legalistic in my religious worship. I have striven to be all in when it comes to serving God.

Then as a matter of fact, due to the way I grew up, being small and picked on. I have always been an aggressive competitor.  Everything I did in life was high energy, and all out. My expectations and demands on myself were always high, even when my size and capabilities did not match the task. Then because I was very passionate about what I was doing, I would get angry when facing failure, or see those around me give up or not deal with it in equal passion. I know today how I addressed things was wrong, but the passion was real. I could get the task done, but there would be body bags everywhere.

This is how I lived. Back in high school I went out for varsity football. Never mind the coach thought I was crazy, and I was only 4’11” tall, weighing barley 105 lbs. soaking wet.  I just knew and expected I could do well and make the team. I was destroyed by the big sized guys in drills, but I kept going. Needless to say I did not make first team, but I did make the team probably due to a smaller school.  I played safety, giving it my all when I did get on the field, mostly just on special teams. I got hurt often and played with a lot of passion and anger. The anger was with myself, when I would fail at a play, never mind the other guy I was tackling or defending against was twice my size. I loved the game but that was the only year I played.

This was what was deep within me that night I met with my accusers. As my wife and I went home, with a boat load of emotions, from pain to anger.  What do we do next we asked each other? Then what about all the people we have come to know and love. There were several families that started coming to that church while I was there. Many expressed that they would no longer attend.  What about my friend, who was the son of that man who was hell bent on destroying me? Do we pack up and leave, or do we stay?  There were things I knew about that man but I gave my word not to tell anyone, do I keep my word? I did keep my word. The answers came quickly.

First my friend took his father’s side, as I knew he would and told him so. As a matter of fact, he took over the church and caused me much pain in our community, often accusing me before other pastors. At one time stormed out of a meeting saying that I will never be welcomed in his church. This went on for ten years.

Then many of those families that left the church approached me to start a new church. After about a month and much prayer and consideration I said OK. Things fell into place, in another month we had a church building at a very low cost. We opened with our first service on Father’s Day, almost 3 months after I was kicked out of the other church. Then all hell broke loose on me.

Part of the group that started with me quickly left. Some went with another person who started their own church. Others got angry with me when I would not talk about the other church and what they were doing us wrong. I just wanted to move forward in ministry. Then my only musician besides me left. I was a base player, not a good lead instrument.

One day about a month later we had a very bad storm go through our town, even a little tornado damage. I received a call from the fellowship’s President. “I hear you started a church, I am very disappointed in you”.  I explained how I had prayed about it and just knew it was what needed to be done. I told him how many we started with and how everything fell into place. He backed down some and said he would be praying for me. Then my friend that was a pastor of a church in the next town south about 20 miles, called me. He was also a new board member of our fellowship. “It sure was a bad storm today, you guys alright” then he told me some mutual friends of ours were in town and wanted to meet for lunch, besides he had something to share with me.

When we met for lunch, he revealed that there was a  board meeting by phone for the fellowship and I was the subject.  There was a move to have my papers with the fellowship revoked, there just was not enough votes to do so. All the pain and anger was back again. By this time the passion for ministry was hard at work and it would have to be God to get me to close that church and move. This went on for the rest of the year. Then at our annual Thanksgiving conference it was all I could take.

Thanksgiving conference was a big annual meeting for our fellowship. I had lots of friends that I would only see at conferences. My wife and I almost decided not to go that year, but we ended up going. After we got there we quickly wished we had not gone.  Halve the leadership was against me, and I had lost my position in the fellowship.  A couple of leaders tried to bring charges once again against me.  One got in my face and boldly lied to me, to which I quickly called him out on it. My passion and anger was at full boil. I left that conference and fellowship that night.

After a year or two of struggle and pain. The church did not seem to be going anywhere, already faced down a split. Have a new musician and worship leader, split with his wife and caught in an affair with another lady in the church. With all that was in me, the passion, pain, and anger, I was feeling like a complete failure. Yet, because of my strong passion and high expectations, I was not about to give up. I was so down on myself, in all that had happened, how could I have let it happen. Like it was my fault for the actions of others. I was feeling, how could I have not seen through these people, where was the holy spirit to lead me. I felt I had hit bottom. Now that is when God could start to do a work in me. I came across a scripture that was my hearts cry. OH God it hurts so much.  

Psa 41:4  I said, Jehovah, be merciful to me; heal my soul; for I have sinned against You. Psa 41:5  My enemies speak evil of me, saying, When will he die, and his name perish? Psa 41:6  And when he comes to see me, he speaks vanity; his heart gathers iniquity to itself; he goes out and speaks of it. Psa 41:7  All those hating me whisper against me; they plot evil against me. Psa 41:8  They say, A wicked thing is poured out on him, and he who lies down shall rise no more. Psa 41:9  Even a man, my friend, in whom I trusted, who ate of my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.

Psa 41:10  But You, O Jehovah, be merciful to me, and raise me up, so that I may repay them.

To be continued 

Anger, Deal With It

For me holding in the pain tends to turn to anger.  Mostly at myself for failing or even letting something get the best of me.  One time I was dealing with something very difficult and it took all that was in me to contain the anger. The person I was dealing with was amazed on how well I contained myself.  He mentioned most people they have dealt with in similar situations would be cursing at them.  As a believer of God and His word I fully understand what we have been taught and what scriptures say. But, we need to be honest here, this is something hard for our human nature to deal with.  When we are done wrong or feel like we have been disrespected, we tend to let our anger take control.  We act out or say things we know we should not say. Even if we feel we are right or just in our anger.

Psa_37:8  Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret yourself to do evil.
Pro_15:1  A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.

Pro_15:18  A wrathful man stirs up fighting, but one slow to anger calms fighting.

Pro_16:32  He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit is better than he who takes a city. 

I know, letting our anger have control often gives us self gratification for the moment, but the damage it can cause is often something that can not be repaired. Broken spirits and broken hearts and so much more. I am not saying we shouldn't get angry at all, I am saying I think we need to let it out but not lose control. In the end we need to deal with all the pain and anger we have. In the end a part of dealing with it is letting go of our anger and frustrations and let God do a work in us.

Mat 5:44  But I say to you, Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who despite-fully use you and persecute you, 
Mat 5:45  so that you may become sons of your Father in Heaven. For He makes His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 

Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and tumult and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
Eph 4:32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.
Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and tumult and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
Eph 4:32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.

Passion and anger can often be irrational.  It's like what we see in our current political scene today, we see people who are voting out of anger and their passions. Believe me I get it. Yet that does not mean they are making informed logical decisions.  It’s like when I was growing up I had 3 younger brothers. We loved playing all-star wrestling. We were all different but when playing we were all in.  The oldest of my tree brothers was somewhat passive aggressive, at times more passive.  This may sound mean, but when I was younger we truly did all those pro wrestling moves, at times with painful results.  Well there were days my passive brother was not in the mood to wrestle, but the rest of us would not stand for it.  So, many times to get him to wrestle with us, I would sit on his chest and slap his face back and forth until he was raging mad. In his anger we would have a great wrestling match. I don’t ever remember him winning while angry, and acting out in blind rage, but I sure had fun.  I said this to show that what I had seen in my father, and in others when anger was acted out.

This is why with all my strength I would hold all my anger in and let it turn to frustration and sadly to say some bitterness.  Both are equally bad, act out or hold it in.  For me holding it would cause a deep pain in my life and raised frustrations  with negative results in my attempts to achieve my life goals. I was a man of much pain and sorrow. Hating who I was, how I was raised, but at the same time passionately pursuing God and His calling on my life. This is where I was in my life that night I met with my accusers. I was hurting so bad on the inside yet so angry with what was being done. On top of that the spirit of God was leading me to hold my peace, when all that was in me wanted to make stand and defend myself. I wanted to fight?

As soon as the meeting started the accusations flew my direction, so fast that the President of the fellowship did not know what to say.  Before I knew it the person that was with me began to defend me. Then my pastor spoke up and said he may have believed I was wrong on my teachings but the rest was something He could not accept. He spoke up and vouched for my honesty and integrity. Then the President spoke up and said that if I was going to be the national youth director, and succeed in the fellowship I needed to do the right thing. Then the spirit let me speak and at that moment I knew what to say. I made one statement with just one question.  I said “you all have accused me of many things offering no proofs and scriptural foundation. You tell me to do the right thing, so could one of you please tell me what is the right thing according to the Word of God?” 

The room fell silent, no one had anything to say. The President finally spoke to me saying, he would be praying for me to do what was right. I spoke to those there that I was done and leaving and my wife and I turned and left the room. We both were silent in the car and upon arriving home began to ask what were we to do next. I think we both were so hurt and discouraged, but yet had some kind of determination to move forward. We could not change what had happened or the relationships that was forever changed. At times even today I grief a little over what was lost that night the years after that it impacted. If I let it, still today I get a little angry, yet God has done a work in me and He was already at work back then.

Continued next time     

Anger and Pain

Let's face it, we all deal with anger. I know it is probably right to say every human person deals with anger from time to time, and at different levels. We all deal with bad situations, people, circumstances and events we have no control over.  I know for me, I am a fixer and take on life full blast. That means if I loose control of something that I feel should be controlled, I tend to get angry.  When I try to fix something I feel should be able to fix, and I can't; I tend to get angry. Now know my anger is almost completely with myself. I don't know if there are very many out there like me, but I am sure there is. We all know how that feels.

Once again I will say anger is not wrong, nor in it's self bad.  It is the unresolved anger that leads to frustration, and unresolved frustration, can lead to acting out or held in leads to bitterness. Looking back over the years of my life that is where the battle lies.  Because of that I had to surrender to God and let him lead me through life and healing.  I will not tell you I have achieved perfect healing and have resolved all my frustrations to this date. However I am thankful that I am well on my way towards God's intended plans for me. It has been due to some recent events over the last few years in my life and once again facing anger and frustration, that I have looked at my journey with God my Father and identified what was causing me pain.  This is why I want to share my journey, it is my testimony and healing.

Anger and frustration causes a whole list of pains and troubles.  At it's core we see health issues, broken relationships, bad out look on life, and so much more. Maybe you have a few you could add to this simplified list I just gave. Each day I have to take a hard look at where I am and take inventory of what is still needed for an overcoming life, and true joy. It is like a couple that gets married seeing the short comings in each other, thinking that after they are married they can change each other. Then when they discover they can't they are already angry, frustrated, and full of pain. I have had to realize that I am not called to change anyone, not even my wife. I am in charge of my own life and there is where change needs to happen on a regular basis. Trying to change someone or something you have no control over only leads to anger and frustration.

Yes I have been hurt by others, let down and abused. Yet for some reason I have been more angry and frustrated at myself. I have held false expectations of myself, which leads to false expectations of others. This adds to the pain, why can't they see who I truly am. The problem with that was I did not really know who I was, how could I expect them to see what was so deeply hidden.

We can look at the story of Jacob and Esau. These are two totally different men, Yet as you read their story you can see how Esau had let anger and frustration lead his life. Then notice how the writer of Hebrews portrays Esau and using him as an example of bitterness.

 Heb 12:15-17  looking diligently lest any fail of the grace of God, or lest any root of bitterness springing up disturb you, and by it many are defiled, (lest there be any fornicator, or profane person like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright.  For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected; for he did not find any place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears). 

Anger can cause a lot of pain, if we do not deal with it. I know it did in me. I was my worst enemy. I carried my pain like somewhat a badge of honor. I had come to hate where I had come from and did not like where I was going. Yet in all this pain I was seeking God and trying to follow His voice.

As I was telling you last time, the mess I was in with my first church.  Well it finely came to a big blow out.  To this day I will not say I knew what I was doing, but I felt with all my heart I was doing the right thing.  I was trying with all I knew to follow God's lead and put into action truths I had been discovering. Well that got me into a lot of trouble and pain. Before I knew what had happened or had time to really deal with where I was in the church, I was kicked out and  called to a meeting with our fellowship President, and supposed counsel. I was being called in to answer charges that were laid against me by the previous pastor concerning stealing money, trying to undermine His authority, and a few other things such as false teachings.

Needless to say I was hurt and very angry. How could they do this to me, where was the evidence? Of course I knew they had none, because I knew I did not do what I was accused of. I walked the block I don't know how many times. This man just a few week earlier had made sure I was booted out of the church, and told to leave town. Then in a meeting we had with him, he told me God wanted me to repent and submit to him and move to the town where he was and attend his church. No way was that going to happen. So, because I would not be intimidated, he raised charges against me in our fellowship.  I was being wronged and God I was not going to stand by and let it happen, is what I was telling God each time I went around the block. I just wonder what people thought as they saw me walking, talking, and displaying a lot of emotion with no one around me.

What God spoke to me at that moment was very hard, but I needed God to be on my side, He told me to hold my peace, I was not going to win that battle in my anger. Then the following scriptures came to me.  

Rom_12:17  Repay no one evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.

1Th_5:15  See that none gives evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue the good, both towards one another and towards all.

1Pe_3:9  Never give back evil for evil, or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, giving blessing, knowing that you are called to this so that you might inherit blessing.

I entered the meeting that night with only my wife and one person at my side. I had come to a resolve to be at peace even in my anger. As I entered the room there was the one accusing me, the President of our fellowship, and two other men and the one was my pastor whom I had served under and with for 17 years. He was there to accuse me of false teaching. I was being called a heretic, I could have probably endured all the other accusations, but my pastor? It cut me to the core and my spirit almost left me right there. How could he, if anybody should have known me and my heart it was him. All my anger melted in complete pain.

Continued next week    

Anger and Trouble

 It has been a long two weeks since my last post. A lot has happened in our lives, some expected and some not, but God is good and at work for us. Even when typing this weeks post I lost it all in editing and had to start over.

As I share my journey please understand that I do not want to leave you with the impression that all preachers are  bad.  There are however those  I dealt with and grew up with that were peddlers of emotion, excitement, and prophecies, snake oil salesmen. They seemed to be angry spiritual bullies. The services they conducted where high with emotion and loud music, the louder the better. Then don't forget, they were masters at taking up large sums of money in offerings.  It seemed many times all they had to do was take a few givers by the hand and prophecy good things and the line to give would be long with people looking for a good word from the Lord.  These were the conditions I was in and the church that was the first one for me to pastor. I was in no way ready for what I was about to be hit with.

It was not long after we moved and settled in to pastor, that we realized what we had gotten into. This church had been and still was controlled by a spiritual bully, who had great influence with many people and in the fellowship I was associated with.  The church was in trouble in more ways than one. It was dying.  We were struggling to make ends meet and the more I studied the more I found things I disagreed with. It became a battle within me and where could I turn for answers.  I was finding that I did not agree with many teachings of those around me. I was finding out how much corruption and deceit was in  the ministers I had been associated with and the effect of the bully who ran this church for many years. This began to open up my eyes to how much trouble I was in. I called it the church from hell.

Needless to say I got angry at God. How could He bring me to such a place? Is this the way He answered our prayers for ministry and change in our lives? I just knew at first this was the door He had opened to us, but now I had my doubts. The good thing is, God could handle me being angry at Him. The other good that happened in all that was going on, it was drawing me closer to God and I was praying more than ever and studying more.  I needed answers to why I was there. Then that lead to even more struggles, let me explain.

While we were struggling with the church, barely making ends meet. We were fighting our own battles.  Our marriage was struggling, and our oldest and only child at the time was not happy at all.  One day at the age of twelve my wife found her in her room packing.  When asked what she was doing she quickly informed my wife she was moving back home.  Because of the anger that was in me I would not fight with my wife.  As I mentioned in earlier post, that my father had a great temper and when my parents fought it was not pretty.  I was so determined not to be like my father that I would walk out on my wife instead of fighting.  The more I studied the more I battled, with those around me and myself. What I was learning was so contrary to much of what I was exposed to and learned in the past.

In the following scriptures we find what uncontrolled anger can do. The results it produces and warnings about anger and those who are always angry. At the time I did not know these scriptures but today they help me understand.
 

Pro_14:17  He who is soon angry acts foolishly, and a man of wicked plots is hated. 

Pro_22:24  Make no friendship with an angry man; and you shall not go up with a man of fury,

Pro_25:23  The north wind drives away rain; so does an angry face a backbiting tongue.

Pro_29:22  An angry man stirs up fighting, and a furious man abounds in sin. 

Ecc_7:9  Do not be hasty in your spirit to be angry; for anger rests in the bosom of fools.

I was turning more to God and He was doing doing a work in me. I will not lead you to think all was turning out well, or I handled everything right. I am not a complete innocent victim.  When frustrated and angry, we do not always do the right things.  Even turning to God my frustration and anger was at a high. I did not know what to do, who to turn to, or who to trust.  I did go once to a leader in our fellowship and all he could say was "just hang in there it will work out".  That was not a lot of help since it seemed like it was getting worse by the day.

The time came when I began to let go and let God do a work in me.  One day a long time friend of ours whom I had ministered to for many years as he battled alcoholism, gave me a book to read.  The book was titled "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents and Dysfunctional Families". He told me I needed to read it, and that it had helped him so much.  At first I felt insulted, my parents did not drink at all, "it was a sin". We were Christians, how dare you say we were dysfunctional. Yes we had our issues, but our faith was in God and that was good enough.  The other challenge was up to that point I can not remember ever reading a book since school.  I was not a reader, I was a doer.  I had not even read the bible completely yet. How was this book going to help me anyway?

My wife encouraged me to read it, strongly I might add. I began to read the book and could not put it down.  It was like looking into a mirror at myself.  I saw my family, my childhood actions and it scared me. For the first time my eyes were being opened to where I was and how much in pain and trouble I was in.  The statistics their research was reveling was staggering and I realized I needed help.  The trouble with what I realized was, who do I turn to for help.  I was told all my life that those who trust in doctors did not have faith in God.  Besides all I knew of counselors and psychiatrist, was they did not understand spiritual matters and would try to destroy my faith.  I know better today, there are many Godly professionals that build faith and trust in God while digging in to ones troubled mind. At the time I felt all alone, no one to turn to.

Shortly after reading the book it came to a head in our family. One night after seeing that the book had affected me, she wanted answers. Like all the times before I was not going to reveal how I was feeling. After fighting and toiling with her most the night I gave in.  I told her everything.  I told her all I was dealing with in my life. I shared my hurts and pain, how I was sexually abused and its effects on my life. I exposed my demons and anger for the first time. I had held it all in all these years afraid that no one would love me if the knew the truth of what I have held in and fought all those years. We prayed together and she showed love and commitment to me.  It was just the beginning of a life long journey of healing and change. We began to fight back together, yes I had a lot to learn about letting her into my heart for many years to come, but it was great start. Dealing with this started another set of problems, I could no longer tolerate my life like it was, and how do I deal with what was a head of me. How was I going to change and make changes around me. Little did I know the impact that had and the trouble I was about to face.

We will pick this up next week,            

Anger vs. Angery

Now that I had a vacation, life is back to usual. Busy with daily task, but thoughts continue to race through my mind.

(Eph 4:26)  Be angry, and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down upon your wrath,

I talked last time about giving healing time, I am in no way an expert, but let me ask a few questions and present a few thoughts about anger.  I truly understand and believe that anger is a natural emotion given to us by God.  Through out the Bible we see God himself displaying anger,  There were men of God using anger to exact righteous judgments.  When carefully reading the gospels we can see Jesus exercising this very emotion.  With this in mind let me ask.

Is there good anger and bad? to answer this lets look a little closer to what Paul wrote to the Ephesian church.

Eph 4:23  and that ye be renewed in the spirit of your mind,:24  and put on the new man, that after God hath been created in righteousness and holiness of truth.:25  Wherefore, putting away falsehood, speak ye truth each one with his neighbor: for we are members one of another.:26  Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath::27  neither give place to the devil.:28  Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labor, working with his hands the thing that is good, that he may have whereof to give to him that hath need.:29  Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but such as is good for edifying as the need may be, that it may give grace to them that hear.:30  And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, in whom ye were sealed unto the day of redemption.:31  Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice::32  and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.

In this setting Paul is dealing with the change that needs to take place in true believers. The key is, Paul telling us to have a changed attitude. In daily task we deal with people, family, and friends. We are met with at times disappointment, betrayal, hurts, and failed trust. We cannot change that in life.  I cannot change the mind set or behavior of another person.  When I was called to ministry, I was not called to change people. I was called to preach the gospel of the kingdom in truth. Then it it is up to those who hear to decide to change.  What we are encouraged by Paul to do is how we respond to life's struggles after we become believers. Anger is good or bad, based on how we deal with it.  What kind of anger do you have?

Do we dwell on it and let it turn into more than anger.  In my own life, I have used anger to defend a cause. As I have mentioned before. I was bullied and picked on a lot growing up. It was anger that would give me strength to fight back at times, it became a part of how I saw others being treated and would often defended the weak and abused.  In those moments, I had no malice or ill will towards those I rose up against.  The event was over and I would not dwell on it. Now however there were times I did get angry and would let an event or person get to me. I would then dwell on it and at times did not handle it well.

Are we supposed to get rid of our anger, or forget certain life events?  I remember talking to a fellow pastor some years ago about an event in my life.  After sharing it with him, he proceeded to tell me, I had un-forgiveness and needed to forget about it.  I often hear from ministries and church groups tell us the need to let our past go, but how can we really when God gave us this mind and it is full of memories good and bad. The past is a part of who we are and are the building blocks of our lives. One should not expect you to just forget past events in life. We should not let our past hold us captive, but should use those life events as tools and examples for learning. Like touching something hot should not bind us in fear but teach us how we need to handle what is hot, like using a hot pad next time.

Once again it is what we do with those events that makes our anger good or bad.  What comes out of your mouth?  How do you or I act in life events?   Can we be angry and not have malice, use bad language, or grieve the holy spirit of God?  I have often been told not to grieve the spirit, but I do not remember it being used in the context of anger.  This is my opinion, I can not do anything about the events that have already happened to me. Yet I can do something about how I respond and deal with them.  I do not believe God expects us to forget bad life events. Nor do I believe He expects us not to be angry.  For me I think it would have been good to confront many things and people in one way or another.

Can we forgive without confronting?  I do believe it can be done, but also believe it is much easier if we can confront the offender, To express our anger and feelings and then choose to forgive. Unfortunately we are not always afforded the opertunity.  For me I have written letters and sent them, made phone calls and other times confronted the offender.  Now keep in mind there is a biblical way of doing this.  Then in my life it had to be in proxy when I dealt with things, or just had to turn certain people and memories over to Father God.  I had to learn how to deal with my anger when I knew it was getting the better of me.

As I mentioned before, My Dad had an explosive temper when I was growing up. Looking back I know now the root of it all was anger.  Our family life was so messed up and it would take months to explain it all. The thing I grew up knowing was I did not want to be like my father and it created a wall between us.  It was not until I was married did I begin to understand, but by then the damage was done to both of us. This very ideal of refusing to be like my dad became a life long battle.  It seemed to more I fought the ideal of his anger, the more I seemed to be like him.  It effected my relationship with my wife in many ways.  Early on I told her if she even treated me in any way like my mother treated my father, I was leaving.  Then when it came to fights, early in our marriage I would get angry, then so I would not be like my father, I would just walk out on her. As we all know this did not solve anything, it made her feel rejected. I refused to let anger get to a point that I would lose control and have a temper.

I was in need of healing in many ways. The unfortunate thing about many of the ministers I knew and grew up with were never open about their own struggles and looking back were angry people as well. It is the statements they would make or how they talked about others, justifying their own speech and actions. It was after I began to pastor a church that I began to truly rely on God, and let him reveal to me where I was and start the healing.  I will tell you this. It was not over night and it has come with set backs and victories. It is my desire in sharing this with you that you too will allow God to bring healing and change in your own life.  

More next week.

Why Be Angry

Before I start this week, let me clarify a few things.  I do not wish any reader to think that I am angry at them or someone in my past.  I purposely have left out any names of people in my past. Now it it obvious when I talk about my family.  Do not get me wrong, my family life was not all bad growing up. There were just certain elements that was truly messed up and set in motion certain things in all of us Anson children.  I think many people could say the same thing.  When it came to church and serving, the same thing goes there.  I know a lot of people who do not attend church or even want to acknowledge their faith because of something that happened in a church or by a spiritual leader. This is why I am sharing my journey of  healing.  I love my family, friends, and those who have had a part in my life. This is not about them or anyone in particular, this is about healing.

Many people grow up exposed to many different things that impact their lives in different ways. Like my wife was exposed to an alcoholic father that was sexually abusive.  Now he did not touch her, but she knew those he did. After we were married there were things we had to deal with.  Some came easy and others did not.  There are things in all of us at one point or another have to deal with.  Sometimes God,s grace shows out and miraculously we are free, but I would say most the time we have to walk it out in faith through out our life.  It can become the very thing that makes us strong, with mind sets to overcome. To others it may become their defeat, and slip into the very thing they were exposed to. Such as children of alcoholic parents often battle with alcohol, and many lose that battle.  For me I grew up in a home with a father with an explosive temper, and parents that did not know how to show love, nor loved each other. This is my journey of healing that I am sharing with you.

True deep healing takes time. Depending on the hurt or wound, how much time it takes to heal can be a factor. Let's face it, God saves broken people. If we were not broken and in need of emotional, spiritual healing, we would not need a savior.  This seems for me in my life a long time, and that has a lot to due with how I deal with my hurts.  I am one of those guys that if I cut my finger while doing something I need or want to get done. I will not stop my task because of a injury. Now depending how bad the cut is I may stop long enough to wrap or bandage it, but get right back to work, and deal with the cut later.  Others may stop everything and deal with the cut and not do another thing until they feel better. Nether is right or wrong, but it does effect how we heal.  This I believe applies to spiritual and emotional healing as well.  For me I can't let a person, thing or event stop me from doing what I feel needs done and that effect how I heal. It is when I sit down and reflect, or think about it I realize how hurt I am, and often will not take the time to heal before moving on.

My big issue was anger, it laid at the core of everything I had to deal with in my life. The other things I had to overcome in life were just surface issues so to speak, anger was always at the root.  It has taken many years to fully understand this. Because I used my anger for what I thought was strengthening me. In everything I faced in life I used my anger to overcome. I refused to give up on anything. Now I am thankful I did not give up on my faith, but looking back there are many times I should have let go. I would often get something done but there would be body bags everywhere. (metafor)  

Eph 4:26  Be angry, and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down upon your wrath, 

Be angry and don't sin what does that mean?  I the context of this verse I think we can understand what the writer is saying.  Eph 4:22  For you ought to put off the old man (according to your way of living before) who is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, 

Eph 4:23  and be renewed in the spirit of your mind. 
Eph 4:24  And you should put on the new man, who according to God was created in righteousness and true holiness.  God created us with emotions and the ability to express ourselves. If we look at the Bible, we will see God expressing himself with an array of emotions and anger being one of them. So is it wrong to get angry or be angry? I don't think so. So it is the second part of that verse is key to living.  It is how we deal with that anger and what we do when angry.  

Let me tell on myself  about dealing with trouble while angry.  After I had started a church we thought growth was steady and good.  I really wanted to be a good pastor and prove to myself and others that what I had been exposed to earlier in ministry was not the way to do it and one could lead by example, love, and involved in their lives.  The church was barley a year old and I had a whole family of 3 couples claiming I was doing it all wrong and wanted to take over. At that same time I had an old truck that I had purchased from a preacher that had done me wrong in many ways, even took advantage of me when he sold me that truck knowing it had issues. This same preacher was still giving me trouble when that truck broke down. I was dealing with the new church and it's issues and now this truck! I was sure I could fix it myself, when my wife was telling me to get someone to help.  Needless to say I could not get it fixed, something to do with the carburetor.  My anger got to me and I had a fit of rage.  My wife looked out the back of the house finding me dowsing the truck with a can of gasoline. I was going to burn that truck because of who it represented.  She yelled out the door "You burn that truck and it will be the last one you will ever get. Get in this house and you need to pray!"  Now praying was the last thing I really wanted to do, but that is what I did.  Like many times before God gave me peace and an answer to how to deal with the church, and it worked. Now that truck was another thing I just had to get rid of.

You see, I don't think my getting angry at my truck, church, and that preacher was wrong.  It was not wrong to be angry at my past experiences.  It became wrong when it caused me to act out in an ungodly way. From as early as I can remember because of me being bullied and picked on I had used my anger to defend others who were being mistreated.  Yet there where times when I did not do it right and my actions became unrighteous.  That was because I really did not understand that second part of the verse.

Don't let the sun go down on your wrath? What does that mean?  I have heard over the years many explanations, but they always seemed so difficult to do.  Like we must forgive quickly, or don't go to bed angry.  There are many, but let me share my insight.  We are all humans like the ones Paul was addressing, that have a past life and struggles. We all need to change in some way or another, and there are things in all of  use we need to get out of our lives, that do not help us live Godly.  We are all called to be like Jesus and the people God had intended us to be. For me the Sun going down was a change in time from one day to the next.  When a new day dawns it represents a fresh start. The ending of one day to start another.  What I have learned is, we can not completely start fresh until we have closed out the previous.  So I can not move on into something new until I have finished dealing with the old.  This may only take a day in some cases, but in many others it will take days, weeks, months, and hopefully not years.  My point is we must take the time to heal and change. For me it is not wrong to get angry, but it is for me to stay angry, Unfortunately at the core of many of my personal conflicts has been anger and I needed to heal.  To move on in new things, to completely change I must  deal with and cast off my past.

I am sharing that journey with you.        

  

Don't Get Angry Time to Heal

Jas 1:19  Therefore, my beloved brothers, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.
Jas 1:20  For the wrath of man does not work out the righteousness of God.

In a time of prayer some time back I realized my problem was anger.  I felt Father was dealing with me and showing me how anger was effecting my life. I had let a whole bunch of people and events get to me and anger was getting a hold of my life.

Growing up I had big dreams and expectation for my life. I have always felt God had a purpose for me and a calling for me to fulfill. My whole ambition in life was to pursue that purpose and dreams. I will say there was even a time that I pursued my dreams and calling more than God himself.  I know today more than ever how off track I was. Without a strong relationship with the Father there is no way to truly understand God's given purpose and dreams.

As I was growing up I was small for my age, and found myself almost always fighting back bullies. I was often in fights and was determined never to lose, so often in pain and bloodied I would never stop until I had overcome. The sad thing about that was,  my parents were against fighting and I would often get punished for getting into a fight. The other thing I dealt with, was proving myself to everyone that I could do what everyone else my age could do. All someone had to do was tell me I could not do something and I would set out to prove them wrong. Like the time I was 4' 11", 105 lbs I went out for varsity football, boy did I get my bell rung a few times.

Then in my home where there should have been peace and love, I and my siblings did not know what that was. My parents lived in our home with basically a love hate relationship. Years later we were told that they stayed together for us kids, and also because of their religious beliefs. Because of that they spent the last twenty plus years of their marriage fighting and tearing each other down.  Due to that I saw a lot of anger in my father. The long lasting effect on all of the family was devastating, with children with multiple divorces and remarriages, drugs, and broken families. I was ashamed of who I was and my family.

It was easy for me to be angry. I guess you could say I had some serious security issues.  I used that anger to propel me to achieve. I was more determined to accomplish my dreams and calling.  The further my dreams seemed from me the more I fought to accomplish what I felt was my purpose. I was lost without a place I felt I belonged.      

In pursuing my calling, and having a strong hunger to be the person God wanted, I made some poor choices in life.  I also relied to heavily on spiritual leaders and men.  I trusted them for my doctrines, and understanding of God.  At the time I did not see it, but boy was I wrong.  I worked hard to please men whom we were taught had God given authority. I wanted to believe the best and that they had my best interest at heart. They were manipulators, deceivers, and users of people. I did not see the impact they had on me or how much advantage they took until years later when some things were revealed.  The biggest lie was if I stayed with and under their authority that they would help me accomplish, and fulfill my calling. They filled me with promises and praises, but only as I did what they said was submission to God through them.

Years later I am a pastor of a church thinking I had broken free, but as long as I let anger rule in my life I was still bound.  I was having some success, but each step was a battle and full of set backs.  I was still trying to prove myself and find acceptance.  I joined fellowships and a denomination trying to find my place.  I truly thought I was doing better and healing in my heart, but there still was that anger.  Like the scripture anger was holding me back from the plans of God.

Piece by Piece through simple events I began to see some changes.  I began to seek God not the dream or calling.  One time during a struggle I even got angry at God. I had my face buried in the carpet yelling at God.  When I was done God spoke to my heart and I felt a peace I never felt before.  I began to recognize that God wanted me to know Him and all He was.  I began to see Him as my Father.  In prayer each day I would call Him Daddy, Little by little He would show me people I needed to forgive.  It took time, but day by day I was feeling anger leave me. Yet the work was not done, this was going to some time

More Next Time